Someday Free: 09/01/2007

-Why am I so insecure?

This question seems to be the root of all my problems. Most of the arguments I have with Jeremy, probably all of the times I feel hurt by Courtney or Amanda, my painfully polite relationship with my mom, my tendency to be negative all the time, and a slew of other problems all stem from my insecurity.

I am insecure about the way I look and therefore doubt that any guy could truly be into me, find me attractive, or love me. If I doubt that Jeremy could possibly feel these things than how, logically, can I believe him when he says he does? Further, how can I trust anything he says when I believe he is just telling me what I want to hear? These are the things I subconsciously worry about. In my conscious mind, I know I can trust him and believe what he says. I just wonder if you can ever change your subconscious.

I am also insecure about my personality. Why would anyone want to be friends with me anyway? I've been told many, many, many times how negative I am (imagine if you were told over and over by many different people in your life that you were a certain way and by being that way you would inherently think they're wrong anyway until you realize the pattern and how could so many people think the same thing if it weren't true so it must be true and damn that sucks). I wouldn't want to be friends with a negative person. They drain your happiness away, they suck the fun out of things, and they offer nothing in return for taking everything. That's why I've never really blamed anyone who was once my friend for a while but then drifted away, either intentionally or not.
In elementary school, Caitlin Brown, Kelly Miller, and I were a clique that did everything together. Before the three of us hung out, however, the two of them had been BFFs forever. They lived next door to each other from the day they were born until Caitlin moved into the house next to the one my family soon moved into. Their moms were BFFs and so they still saw each other all the time. Then, the three of us were a trio for a while. I was always the third wheel, however. I usually would only hang out with them if I happened to see they were outside together or if I went to play with Caitlin and Kelly was already over. We got along and everything but I was never really sought out to be a playmate. I actually only went over to Kelly Miller's house one time. Eventually, they drifted off to be friends with the pretty people, associating with me less and less. Caitlin would still be very nice to me, but she was always really nice to everyone. She's a positive person.
I drifted from group to group until I moved in with my mom and changed schools. In middle school, I made a friend in Monica Dembinski since she was in my art class and we rode the same bus. Her group of friends accepted me readily, especially Ruth Kuo. Her, Monica, and I became the subgroup of the group. All the way from the end of 7th to the beginning of 11th grade, we were the "three musketeers" or the "three Stooges" or whatever our super hot science teacher Mr. Duffy felt like calling us that day. However, the two of them had been friends since 6th grade, when I had still been in Troy. They were much more alike, had much more in common than either had with me. They were both much smarter, like, top 10 of the school, both were less mature in terms of common sense, they always agreed with each other, and so on. We never really hung out with each other outside of school, though. At least, they didn't hang out with me. I found out they had been to each other's houses pretty often, met each other's families, and knew a lot about each other's lives. Ruth always got Monica a Roxy watch and a cool mechanical pencil from Taiwan whenever Ruth visited her family there. Anyway, after the summer following our sophomore year, we stopped hanging out and I drifted to a new group of friends.
Sam and I met in French class, but we became good friends on our trip to France. She brought her BFF Jenni who didn't actually go to our school but wanted to go on this trip (which was allowed). Sam and Jenni had been friends from way back in early middle school in Ferndale/Clawson. Sam moved but they still were BFFs. On the trip I was the third wheel again. Until I started teasing this kid Marco who was just listening to his CD player and reading anime alone. Then the four of us hung out. When we got back, Sam and Marco started dating and I became the third wheel in that friendship. I also learned that she and this girl Erica were really good friends except right now since they were fighting over Erica's questionable behavior around Marco or something. Sam confided in me and I tried to counsel her the best I could. We became really good friends, she was probably the best friend I had had up to that point. But then she and Erica healed their rift and I was the third wheel, again. Sam was the closest thing I had ever had to my very own BFF.
ANYWAY, these things plus my infamously negative personality make me terribly insecure with my friendships.

I try to admit my faults and be open about them so as to be held accountable for my actions and behavior

-My default mode tends to be negative
-I criticize others a lot in order to feel better about the way I am
-Sometimes I lie intentionally
-I tend to be very blunt, disregarding courtesy and the feelings of others
-I judge others by my own standards
-I talk about my problems too much (exhibit A)
-I feel the need to know everything about some people (usually friends)
-I assume other people don't know their faults and should be told
-I'm very hypocritical

Ok, I've whined enough for one post. Also, I don't want anyone to feel like they have to rescue my self esteem or that this post is a ploy for attention. I just needed to vent and it all kinda came out.... yeah.... sorry....