Jeremy dropped a DVD on the keyboard of his laptop, popping the CAPS LOCK key right off. A feeling of "this is it, this is your chance!" came over me and I insisted he let me fix it. A couple of years ago a key popped off of my laptop and after a long time of analyzing how the key and the white plastic piece fit into the keyboard I successfully reattached it. The problem was that no one was around to appreciate my brilliance. Some time later a friend lost a key to her keyboard and I offered my expertise. She seemed interested in my help but never came around to take advantage of my skills. Now, Jeremy's key was off and my time to shine was on! I set to work, stressing Jeremy out with my tilting and man-handling of his brand new laptop. The key had a single broken prong that complicated the procedure. After a long while of figuring out how to attach the white piece to the keyboard so that it fit into the key, I was getting worried I would fail. It was then that I remembered how I had reached this point on my own keyboard and had sent up a desperate prayer. Figuring it was worth a shot and not wanting to let Jeremy down, I asked God to help me get that damn key back on the keyboard. Not 5 minutes later, I had wiggled that sucker into place, as good as freaking new! Awesome!
I suppose I don't deserve all the credit though...
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
"Summer breeze, makes me feel fine"
Not sleeping for about 3 days straight will do funny things to your head. For instance, super lame infomercials become fascinating and deep insights into human motivations. Bad movies with one good scene (two at best) seem worth sitting through even after that scene has passed. Or sometimes you find large bumps on your head but have no recollection as to how it got there. And then sometimes you curl up into a ball in the Student Services Office and fall asleep.
also you watch a lot of Flight of the Conchords
also you watch a lot of Flight of the Conchords
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Resturants the Order has Been to
Chili's
Alibi
Applebee's
Subway
Arby's
Panera
Big Boy
Qdoba
Taco Bell
Ram's Horn
Little Caesar's
Alibi
Applebee's
Subway
Arby's
Panera
Big Boy
Qdoba
Taco Bell
Ram's Horn
Little Caesar's
Thursday, October 04, 2007
short list
These are things that I am thankful for... they make me happy... just thinking about these things will put me into a good mood...
54. Roxie's name has me constantly breaking out in song.
55. Amanda is practically living at my house already
56. Courtney gets to stay over during fall break
57. I'm beginning to think I don't always look gross
58. Mr. and Mrs. Turner are awesome people I really look up to
59. My basement is looking awesome (especially when my 3 best friends are there)
60. 4-way spooning is possible
61. Jeremy's hair is sooo long
62. Eric Magnison has an interesting voice and way of speaking
63. Helping others in Pre-calc is gratifying
64. it is autumn
65. Math homework is pretty
54. Roxie's name has me constantly breaking out in song.
55. Amanda is practically living at my house already
56. Courtney gets to stay over during fall break
57. I'm beginning to think I don't always look gross
58. Mr. and Mrs. Turner are awesome people I really look up to
59. My basement is looking awesome (especially when my 3 best friends are there)
60. 4-way spooning is possible
61. Jeremy's hair is sooo long
62. Eric Magnison has an interesting voice and way of speaking
63. Helping others in Pre-calc is gratifying
64. it is autumn
65. Math homework is pretty
Monday, October 01, 2007
soft buns
Amanda drew on herself. I was all like "weird" on the outside but "awesome" on the inside.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Fawlty
-Why am I so insecure?
This question seems to be the root of all my problems. Most of the arguments I have with Jeremy, probably all of the times I feel hurt by Courtney or Amanda, my painfully polite relationship with my mom, my tendency to be negative all the time, and a slew of other problems all stem from my insecurity.
I am insecure about the way I look and therefore doubt that any guy could truly be into me, find me attractive, or love me. If I doubt that Jeremy could possibly feel these things than how, logically, can I believe him when he says he does? Further, how can I trust anything he says when I believe he is just telling me what I want to hear? These are the things I subconsciously worry about. In my conscious mind, I know I can trust him and believe what he says. I just wonder if you can ever change your subconscious.
I am also insecure about my personality. Why would anyone want to be friends with me anyway? I've been told many, many, many times how negative I am (imagine if you were told over and over by many different people in your life that you were a certain way and by being that way you would inherently think they're wrong anyway until you realize the pattern and how could so many people think the same thing if it weren't true so it must be true and damn that sucks). I wouldn't want to be friends with a negative person. They drain your happiness away, they suck the fun out of things, and they offer nothing in return for taking everything. That's why I've never really blamed anyone who was once my friend for a while but then drifted away, either intentionally or not.
In elementary school, Caitlin Brown, Kelly Miller, and I were a clique that did everything together. Before the three of us hung out, however, the two of them had been BFFs forever. They lived next door to each other from the day they were born until Caitlin moved into the house next to the one my family soon moved into. Their moms were BFFs and so they still saw each other all the time. Then, the three of us were a trio for a while. I was always the third wheel, however. I usually would only hang out with them if I happened to see they were outside together or if I went to play with Caitlin and Kelly was already over. We got along and everything but I was never really sought out to be a playmate. I actually only went over to Kelly Miller's house one time. Eventually, they drifted off to be friends with the pretty people, associating with me less and less. Caitlin would still be very nice to me, but she was always really nice to everyone. She's a positive person.
I drifted from group to group until I moved in with my mom and changed schools. In middle school, I made a friend in Monica Dembinski since she was in my art class and we rode the same bus. Her group of friends accepted me readily, especially Ruth Kuo. Her, Monica, and I became the subgroup of the group. All the way from the end of 7th to the beginning of 11th grade, we were the "three musketeers" or the "three Stooges" or whatever our super hot science teacher Mr. Duffy felt like calling us that day. However, the two of them had been friends since 6th grade, when I had still been in Troy. They were much more alike, had much more in common than either had with me. They were both much smarter, like, top 10 of the school, both were less mature in terms of common sense, they always agreed with each other, and so on. We never really hung out with each other outside of school, though. At least, they didn't hang out with me. I found out they had been to each other's houses pretty often, met each other's families, and knew a lot about each other's lives. Ruth always got Monica a Roxy watch and a cool mechanical pencil from Taiwan whenever Ruth visited her family there. Anyway, after the summer following our sophomore year, we stopped hanging out and I drifted to a new group of friends.
Sam and I met in French class, but we became good friends on our trip to France. She brought her BFF Jenni who didn't actually go to our school but wanted to go on this trip (which was allowed). Sam and Jenni had been friends from way back in early middle school in Ferndale/Clawson. Sam moved but they still were BFFs. On the trip I was the third wheel again. Until I started teasing this kid Marco who was just listening to his CD player and reading anime alone. Then the four of us hung out. When we got back, Sam and Marco started dating and I became the third wheel in that friendship. I also learned that she and this girl Erica were really good friends except right now since they were fighting over Erica's questionable behavior around Marco or something. Sam confided in me and I tried to counsel her the best I could. We became really good friends, she was probably the best friend I had had up to that point. But then she and Erica healed their rift and I was the third wheel, again. Sam was the closest thing I had ever had to my very own BFF.
ANYWAY, these things plus my infamously negative personality make me terribly insecure with my friendships.
I try to admit my faults and be open about them so as to be held accountable for my actions and behavior
-My default mode tends to be negative
-I criticize others a lot in order to feel better about the way I am
-Sometimes I lie intentionally
-I tend to be very blunt, disregarding courtesy and the feelings of others
-I judge others by my own standards
-I talk about my problems too much (exhibit A)
-I feel the need to know everything about some people (usually friends)
-I assume other people don't know their faults and should be told
-I'm very hypocritical
Ok, I've whined enough for one post. Also, I don't want anyone to feel like they have to rescue my self esteem or that this post is a ploy for attention. I just needed to vent and it all kinda came out.... yeah.... sorry....
This question seems to be the root of all my problems. Most of the arguments I have with Jeremy, probably all of the times I feel hurt by Courtney or Amanda, my painfully polite relationship with my mom, my tendency to be negative all the time, and a slew of other problems all stem from my insecurity.
I am insecure about the way I look and therefore doubt that any guy could truly be into me, find me attractive, or love me. If I doubt that Jeremy could possibly feel these things than how, logically, can I believe him when he says he does? Further, how can I trust anything he says when I believe he is just telling me what I want to hear? These are the things I subconsciously worry about. In my conscious mind, I know I can trust him and believe what he says. I just wonder if you can ever change your subconscious.
I am also insecure about my personality. Why would anyone want to be friends with me anyway? I've been told many, many, many times how negative I am (imagine if you were told over and over by many different people in your life that you were a certain way and by being that way you would inherently think they're wrong anyway until you realize the pattern and how could so many people think the same thing if it weren't true so it must be true and damn that sucks). I wouldn't want to be friends with a negative person. They drain your happiness away, they suck the fun out of things, and they offer nothing in return for taking everything. That's why I've never really blamed anyone who was once my friend for a while but then drifted away, either intentionally or not.
In elementary school, Caitlin Brown, Kelly Miller, and I were a clique that did everything together. Before the three of us hung out, however, the two of them had been BFFs forever. They lived next door to each other from the day they were born until Caitlin moved into the house next to the one my family soon moved into. Their moms were BFFs and so they still saw each other all the time. Then, the three of us were a trio for a while. I was always the third wheel, however. I usually would only hang out with them if I happened to see they were outside together or if I went to play with Caitlin and Kelly was already over. We got along and everything but I was never really sought out to be a playmate. I actually only went over to Kelly Miller's house one time. Eventually, they drifted off to be friends with the pretty people, associating with me less and less. Caitlin would still be very nice to me, but she was always really nice to everyone. She's a positive person.
I drifted from group to group until I moved in with my mom and changed schools. In middle school, I made a friend in Monica Dembinski since she was in my art class and we rode the same bus. Her group of friends accepted me readily, especially Ruth Kuo. Her, Monica, and I became the subgroup of the group. All the way from the end of 7th to the beginning of 11th grade, we were the "three musketeers" or the "three Stooges" or whatever our super hot science teacher Mr. Duffy felt like calling us that day. However, the two of them had been friends since 6th grade, when I had still been in Troy. They were much more alike, had much more in common than either had with me. They were both much smarter, like, top 10 of the school, both were less mature in terms of common sense, they always agreed with each other, and so on. We never really hung out with each other outside of school, though. At least, they didn't hang out with me. I found out they had been to each other's houses pretty often, met each other's families, and knew a lot about each other's lives. Ruth always got Monica a Roxy watch and a cool mechanical pencil from Taiwan whenever Ruth visited her family there. Anyway, after the summer following our sophomore year, we stopped hanging out and I drifted to a new group of friends.
Sam and I met in French class, but we became good friends on our trip to France. She brought her BFF Jenni who didn't actually go to our school but wanted to go on this trip (which was allowed). Sam and Jenni had been friends from way back in early middle school in Ferndale/Clawson. Sam moved but they still were BFFs. On the trip I was the third wheel again. Until I started teasing this kid Marco who was just listening to his CD player and reading anime alone. Then the four of us hung out. When we got back, Sam and Marco started dating and I became the third wheel in that friendship. I also learned that she and this girl Erica were really good friends except right now since they were fighting over Erica's questionable behavior around Marco or something. Sam confided in me and I tried to counsel her the best I could. We became really good friends, she was probably the best friend I had had up to that point. But then she and Erica healed their rift and I was the third wheel, again. Sam was the closest thing I had ever had to my very own BFF.
ANYWAY, these things plus my infamously negative personality make me terribly insecure with my friendships.
I try to admit my faults and be open about them so as to be held accountable for my actions and behavior
-My default mode tends to be negative
-I criticize others a lot in order to feel better about the way I am
-Sometimes I lie intentionally
-I tend to be very blunt, disregarding courtesy and the feelings of others
-I judge others by my own standards
-I talk about my problems too much (exhibit A)
-I feel the need to know everything about some people (usually friends)
-I assume other people don't know their faults and should be told
-I'm very hypocritical
Ok, I've whined enough for one post. Also, I don't want anyone to feel like they have to rescue my self esteem or that this post is a ploy for attention. I just needed to vent and it all kinda came out.... yeah.... sorry....
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
no one else would
Yes, I'm aware that I'm an insecure loser.
sorry, truely.
thanks for putting up with me :)
seriously
sorry, truely.
thanks for putting up with me :)
seriously
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Long time no post
So even though no one else is updating, I'm going to :P
I've been watching a lot of TV recently, but only because I can't really do anything else. My days are focused on eating (drinking, really) enough food and taking all my pills and not doing anything that will hurt or make me nauseous. For some reason all the shows that have interested me have been on the Travel Channel. The show I'm watching right now is ranking the top 10 best water parks in America. IwannnaGOiWANNAgo!! The other night I made Jeremy watch like 5 hours of shows about food. One about the best hot dogs, one about the most unique McDonald's restaurants, and one about the best pizza joints (2 of which I had actually been to, making me feel very well traveled). I'm realizing I'm not really craving food, which is great because it means I can hang around people who are eating (oh say taco bell or pizza) and not get jealous or crave what they're having or anything. Yay!
Tomorrow Jeremy and I (and my dad) are going to go retrieve all the garage sale items from my grandparents and take them to my dad's where we will have the garage sale sometime next week. woot.
My nails are getting extremely long.
I was also watching all these shows about "going green" and being organic and all that jazz and it really made me think about all the stuff I would do at my own house. I'd love to have a vegetable garden, a herb garden, along with a flower garden. I want a meditation area, too, I think. yeah. that'd be cool.
Hey, did ya hear? I had surgery! (just kidding, the other night I was using that as leverage in playing cards. I think it was starting to annoy others actually.) Well if you're curious, here's what happened:
Monday 7/30
Mom, Jeremy, and I went to the hospital to check in, got lost, got found, and waited in the nicest waiting room that was more like an atrium. We met Grandma there and waited. Then I got taken to a room where I had to lose the clothes and get poked a lot. The first attempt at an IV failed, leaving a big red mound on my left arm that later bruised prettily. The second attempt succeeded in my right arm. My dad's girlfriend is an anesthesiologist nurse at Crittenton who knew a nurse at Beaumont who came in and chatted with us for a while. My mom warned her that our family doesn't handle anesthesia well. Then I got some relaxing stuff injected through the IV. The last thing I remember was the nurse telling me how white my teeth were and I said how sometimes I didn't think so but that was probably due to the weird lighting in my bathroom at my mom's house. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. I was going in and out of consciousness in this big, long room with a bunch of other patience who I bet were also going in and out of consciousness too. There were a couple of nurses walking around. It seemed every time I woke up someone came over to put me back to sleep. Then I woke up in a different room and everyone is there plus my dad, I think. The room was smaller with only one other bed which was empty at the moment. I don't remember much but I think I made people hold my hand while I slept. Grandma bought a way to expensive flower arrangement for me and so did Jeremy but his was cuter. Later that night after I had slept for a few hours I wanted to try to walk. But as soon as I stood up I started dry heaving I was so nauseous. But then I was fine so I walked a little and went to sleep. My mom and Jeremy left pretty late that night. Through the night I would wake up to some guy testing my blood pressure and pulse and temperature every hour. I would ask him each time what time it was and each time he would tell me "2," "3," "4," "5." I didn't catch on that only an hour had gone by.
Tuesday 7/31
I woke up early and called my mom, waking her up. She came over very early. The nurse took out my catheter bag (humbling). Then my mom and I just hung out until my dad, Nana, and Papa came over for a bit. I forgot it was Papa's birthday. Then Steve, Kevin, and Jeremy came over with cards that we never got around to playing with. I was so out of it. We joked a bit. I was glad Steve was there because he got my jokes ("if anything I'm a little itchy"). I don't remember much. They left. I walked with mom for a bit (mind you I still have my IV hooked up and we have to roll the tall thingy with the bag). The food they brought me was what they call stage 1, liquids like Jello and broth. We sat in my room for a while chatting quietly with Jeremy until another patient came in to be my roommate. They got her on the bed and immediately her family flooded into the room, talking very loudly. The lady had her neck and arms in casts. The guy who I guess was her husband was going on about how hot it was in the room and they should get a nurse to turn the air up. I gave my mom a pleading look since I was already a little cold under the covers I had on. She was so funny. She got up and went around the curtain and told the guy it isn't about "us" (the family/visiters) but about the patients' comfort and they should be more considerate. Before he answered she came back around the curtain and sat back down. Everyone on the other side of the curtain started complaining and talking. Loudest so was the husband, yelling about how he had demanded a private room days ago and they were being mistreated before he left to yell at no less than 3 nurses before they finally got moved. I was shocked at how angry everyone in that group was. Until they came, there had been a since of calm, serenity in the room. I guess that feeling came from my mom and Jeremy being such mellow people. They left kinda late and I went to sleep in the room by myself.
Wednesday 8/01
I woke up early again and called my mom. She was already up this time and made her way over with Jeremy later that morning. Today they put me on stage 2, full liquids like cream soup. I wasn't feeling great but had a few bits of the stuff anyway. Around noon they took my IV out and I was instantly nauseous. It didn't subside when they discharged me a little later. They wheelchaired me out and to mom's car. Jeremy, Mom, and I went home and I instantly crashed on her bed. She tried to get me to eat a shake but it was very airy which was causing pain and making me gassy. Plus I was anxious about eating too much and throwing up. Mom and I watched Armageddon. I was still nauseous and drinking a lot of the disgusting tasting elixir for pain. Jeremy's mom came over and chatted for a while before driving Jeremy home. I managed to sleep through the night just fine.
Thursday 8/02
That morning I woke up around 6:30am but after 15 failed minutes of calling for my mom to help me out of that huge bed of mine and struggling on my own, I bit the bullet and hauled myself up. The one big incision under my right breast HURT! I sat for a second before going into my mom's room to collapse on her bed, waking her up. A bit later, 7:30ish, I got up and went into my mom's bathroom to shower since her shower is a stall with a seat. It started fine but as I'm conditioning my hair I feel woozy and sit down on the seat. I begin to black out when I turn the shower off and call for my mom saying how dizzy I am. I grab the towel before she comes in to help me sit on the vanity chair for a second. When my sight came back I went and sat on the settee in her room until the dizziness went away. There was still conditioner in my hair so I had to finish showering. All went well there. I called the lady I babysit for and told her I couldn't go in that day. I tried eating again but really couldn't. Later I tried taking some pain medicine, the nasty elixir stuff. A minute later I begin dry heaving in my mom's bathroom. She helped calm me down then declared that she was going to call the doctor. A minute later she tells me he said to go into emergency and get an IV for the night. Mom drove me there.
Still feeling woozy, I wondered in and got another hospital bracelet. About 20 minutes later I was taken to a "room" in pediatrics. The "room" was a curtained-in area about half the size of the room I was in the day before. There was a 5 week old baby right next to us who cried for about 4 hours straight. They put me on a stretcher and I had to explain my situation to about 6 people before they sent in two nurses-in-training to draw some blood and put in my IV. I tried to be calm but the first girl missed the vein and then proceeded to "chase" it around for a minute before giving up. Before the second girl had a chance to try, mom practically demanded someone else did it. Another lady came in and very roughly jabbed the needled into to top of my right hand, got the blood and hooked up the IV. Granted it was rough, but she did it quickly. My dad came a little later. I was taken to get some X-Rays then returned to my "room." Then one doctor came in, the resident of the surgeon, and I had to explain everything to her. Later she came back with a guy doctor who I had to explain everything to again. And this is probably more information than you wanted but he decided it was necessary to give me a rectal exam. LAME! Then the nurses gave me something for the pain which caused my arm to break out in a little rash. Then they gave me something for the nausea and something for the rash. I promptly fell into a light nap until they moved me out into the hall then napped some more. There were children everywhere, some crying, some not. I just slept while my mom and dad read until around 10pm when they took us up to the area I had been in before. I got a different room that was already occupied. I had the window last time but took the other bed this time. Mom left but dad stayed another hour until I fell asleep.
Friday 8/03
I woke up feeling OK. I had to spend the whole morning listening to my Ipod. I was able to eat quite a bit of the beef broth I was given. My roommate left around noon. Later, around 4pm my dad, his girlfriend (Marianne) and Kevin came over to visit for a bit. When I found out mom wouldn't be able to make it, dad and Marianne decided to stay later. Kevin left after a bit but they stayed until about 8 watching the Tiger's game and some Meerkat Manner. Marianne was very sweet, asking nurse-type questions. She was the one who mentioned the possibility that my disinterest in eating was more due to nerves than anything else. It was nice to not worry about a roommate but when they left I was alone for the rest of the night. My phone had died so I couldn't call anyone whose number I didn't know already. I basically watched TV and did Sudoku all night. Around 10 I got a new roommate. She was brought in and followed by her husband and another guy. They reminded me a bit of Jon, Jeremy's brother. A bit crude but aware of it. The one guy said she should have asked for marijuana for "medical reasons" to which the lady groaned annoyed. Then the guy wondered aloud if she might be allergic but reasoned she couldn't be because "it's natural." Oh, man I wanted to yell at him a little while laughing a little. They didn't leave until after midnight when I finally went to sleep.
Saturday 8/04
I woke up feeling great and after the surgeon stopped by and agreed I looked how I felt, he ok'ed me leaving. My roommate was awake and beeped for a nurse asking for some one to help her get to the bathroom (they had woken her up earlier that morning to take her catheter out - kinda rude compared to the way they took mine out). No one responded to her call but she waited anyway for about 10 minutes. I finally worked up the courage to tell her if they didn't respond than they didn't hear her. So she called again and they said OK someone would be there in a second. A few minutes later my surgeon came in and chatted with me. Before he left I asked him to make sure someone came in to help her and only then did she get a nurse to help her to the bathroom. I guess I was so lucky to have had such great experiences there. My dad showed up around 10am and I was already dressed, checked out, and ready to go. I walked myself out (which attests to how much better I was this time).
If you made it through this post, you get a prize*!!
*not actually redeemable
I've been watching a lot of TV recently, but only because I can't really do anything else. My days are focused on eating (drinking, really) enough food and taking all my pills and not doing anything that will hurt or make me nauseous. For some reason all the shows that have interested me have been on the Travel Channel. The show I'm watching right now is ranking the top 10 best water parks in America. IwannnaGOiWANNAgo!! The other night I made Jeremy watch like 5 hours of shows about food. One about the best hot dogs, one about the most unique McDonald's restaurants, and one about the best pizza joints (2 of which I had actually been to, making me feel very well traveled). I'm realizing I'm not really craving food, which is great because it means I can hang around people who are eating (oh say taco bell or pizza) and not get jealous or crave what they're having or anything. Yay!
Tomorrow Jeremy and I (and my dad) are going to go retrieve all the garage sale items from my grandparents and take them to my dad's where we will have the garage sale sometime next week. woot.
My nails are getting extremely long.
I was also watching all these shows about "going green" and being organic and all that jazz and it really made me think about all the stuff I would do at my own house. I'd love to have a vegetable garden, a herb garden, along with a flower garden. I want a meditation area, too, I think. yeah. that'd be cool.
Hey, did ya hear? I had surgery! (just kidding, the other night I was using that as leverage in playing cards. I think it was starting to annoy others actually.) Well if you're curious, here's what happened:
Monday 7/30
Mom, Jeremy, and I went to the hospital to check in, got lost, got found, and waited in the nicest waiting room that was more like an atrium. We met Grandma there and waited. Then I got taken to a room where I had to lose the clothes and get poked a lot. The first attempt at an IV failed, leaving a big red mound on my left arm that later bruised prettily. The second attempt succeeded in my right arm. My dad's girlfriend is an anesthesiologist nurse at Crittenton who knew a nurse at Beaumont who came in and chatted with us for a while. My mom warned her that our family doesn't handle anesthesia well. Then I got some relaxing stuff injected through the IV. The last thing I remember was the nurse telling me how white my teeth were and I said how sometimes I didn't think so but that was probably due to the weird lighting in my bathroom at my mom's house. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. I was going in and out of consciousness in this big, long room with a bunch of other patience who I bet were also going in and out of consciousness too. There were a couple of nurses walking around. It seemed every time I woke up someone came over to put me back to sleep. Then I woke up in a different room and everyone is there plus my dad, I think. The room was smaller with only one other bed which was empty at the moment. I don't remember much but I think I made people hold my hand while I slept. Grandma bought a way to expensive flower arrangement for me and so did Jeremy but his was cuter. Later that night after I had slept for a few hours I wanted to try to walk. But as soon as I stood up I started dry heaving I was so nauseous. But then I was fine so I walked a little and went to sleep. My mom and Jeremy left pretty late that night. Through the night I would wake up to some guy testing my blood pressure and pulse and temperature every hour. I would ask him each time what time it was and each time he would tell me "2," "3," "4," "5." I didn't catch on that only an hour had gone by.
Tuesday 7/31
I woke up early and called my mom, waking her up. She came over very early. The nurse took out my catheter bag (humbling). Then my mom and I just hung out until my dad, Nana, and Papa came over for a bit. I forgot it was Papa's birthday. Then Steve, Kevin, and Jeremy came over with cards that we never got around to playing with. I was so out of it. We joked a bit. I was glad Steve was there because he got my jokes ("if anything I'm a little itchy"). I don't remember much. They left. I walked with mom for a bit (mind you I still have my IV hooked up and we have to roll the tall thingy with the bag). The food they brought me was what they call stage 1, liquids like Jello and broth. We sat in my room for a while chatting quietly with Jeremy until another patient came in to be my roommate. They got her on the bed and immediately her family flooded into the room, talking very loudly. The lady had her neck and arms in casts. The guy who I guess was her husband was going on about how hot it was in the room and they should get a nurse to turn the air up. I gave my mom a pleading look since I was already a little cold under the covers I had on. She was so funny. She got up and went around the curtain and told the guy it isn't about "us" (the family/visiters) but about the patients' comfort and they should be more considerate. Before he answered she came back around the curtain and sat back down. Everyone on the other side of the curtain started complaining and talking. Loudest so was the husband, yelling about how he had demanded a private room days ago and they were being mistreated before he left to yell at no less than 3 nurses before they finally got moved. I was shocked at how angry everyone in that group was. Until they came, there had been a since of calm, serenity in the room. I guess that feeling came from my mom and Jeremy being such mellow people. They left kinda late and I went to sleep in the room by myself.
Wednesday 8/01
I woke up early again and called my mom. She was already up this time and made her way over with Jeremy later that morning. Today they put me on stage 2, full liquids like cream soup. I wasn't feeling great but had a few bits of the stuff anyway. Around noon they took my IV out and I was instantly nauseous. It didn't subside when they discharged me a little later. They wheelchaired me out and to mom's car. Jeremy, Mom, and I went home and I instantly crashed on her bed. She tried to get me to eat a shake but it was very airy which was causing pain and making me gassy. Plus I was anxious about eating too much and throwing up. Mom and I watched Armageddon. I was still nauseous and drinking a lot of the disgusting tasting elixir for pain. Jeremy's mom came over and chatted for a while before driving Jeremy home. I managed to sleep through the night just fine.
Thursday 8/02
That morning I woke up around 6:30am but after 15 failed minutes of calling for my mom to help me out of that huge bed of mine and struggling on my own, I bit the bullet and hauled myself up. The one big incision under my right breast HURT! I sat for a second before going into my mom's room to collapse on her bed, waking her up. A bit later, 7:30ish, I got up and went into my mom's bathroom to shower since her shower is a stall with a seat. It started fine but as I'm conditioning my hair I feel woozy and sit down on the seat. I begin to black out when I turn the shower off and call for my mom saying how dizzy I am. I grab the towel before she comes in to help me sit on the vanity chair for a second. When my sight came back I went and sat on the settee in her room until the dizziness went away. There was still conditioner in my hair so I had to finish showering. All went well there. I called the lady I babysit for and told her I couldn't go in that day. I tried eating again but really couldn't. Later I tried taking some pain medicine, the nasty elixir stuff. A minute later I begin dry heaving in my mom's bathroom. She helped calm me down then declared that she was going to call the doctor. A minute later she tells me he said to go into emergency and get an IV for the night. Mom drove me there.
Still feeling woozy, I wondered in and got another hospital bracelet. About 20 minutes later I was taken to a "room" in pediatrics. The "room" was a curtained-in area about half the size of the room I was in the day before. There was a 5 week old baby right next to us who cried for about 4 hours straight. They put me on a stretcher and I had to explain my situation to about 6 people before they sent in two nurses-in-training to draw some blood and put in my IV. I tried to be calm but the first girl missed the vein and then proceeded to "chase" it around for a minute before giving up. Before the second girl had a chance to try, mom practically demanded someone else did it. Another lady came in and very roughly jabbed the needled into to top of my right hand, got the blood and hooked up the IV. Granted it was rough, but she did it quickly. My dad came a little later. I was taken to get some X-Rays then returned to my "room." Then one doctor came in, the resident of the surgeon, and I had to explain everything to her. Later she came back with a guy doctor who I had to explain everything to again. And this is probably more information than you wanted but he decided it was necessary to give me a rectal exam. LAME! Then the nurses gave me something for the pain which caused my arm to break out in a little rash. Then they gave me something for the nausea and something for the rash. I promptly fell into a light nap until they moved me out into the hall then napped some more. There were children everywhere, some crying, some not. I just slept while my mom and dad read until around 10pm when they took us up to the area I had been in before. I got a different room that was already occupied. I had the window last time but took the other bed this time. Mom left but dad stayed another hour until I fell asleep.
Friday 8/03
I woke up feeling OK. I had to spend the whole morning listening to my Ipod. I was able to eat quite a bit of the beef broth I was given. My roommate left around noon. Later, around 4pm my dad, his girlfriend (Marianne) and Kevin came over to visit for a bit. When I found out mom wouldn't be able to make it, dad and Marianne decided to stay later. Kevin left after a bit but they stayed until about 8 watching the Tiger's game and some Meerkat Manner. Marianne was very sweet, asking nurse-type questions. She was the one who mentioned the possibility that my disinterest in eating was more due to nerves than anything else. It was nice to not worry about a roommate but when they left I was alone for the rest of the night. My phone had died so I couldn't call anyone whose number I didn't know already. I basically watched TV and did Sudoku all night. Around 10 I got a new roommate. She was brought in and followed by her husband and another guy. They reminded me a bit of Jon, Jeremy's brother. A bit crude but aware of it. The one guy said she should have asked for marijuana for "medical reasons" to which the lady groaned annoyed. Then the guy wondered aloud if she might be allergic but reasoned she couldn't be because "it's natural." Oh, man I wanted to yell at him a little while laughing a little. They didn't leave until after midnight when I finally went to sleep.
Saturday 8/04
I woke up feeling great and after the surgeon stopped by and agreed I looked how I felt, he ok'ed me leaving. My roommate was awake and beeped for a nurse asking for some one to help her get to the bathroom (they had woken her up earlier that morning to take her catheter out - kinda rude compared to the way they took mine out). No one responded to her call but she waited anyway for about 10 minutes. I finally worked up the courage to tell her if they didn't respond than they didn't hear her. So she called again and they said OK someone would be there in a second. A few minutes later my surgeon came in and chatted with me. Before he left I asked him to make sure someone came in to help her and only then did she get a nurse to help her to the bathroom. I guess I was so lucky to have had such great experiences there. My dad showed up around 10am and I was already dressed, checked out, and ready to go. I walked myself out (which attests to how much better I was this time).
If you made it through this post, you get a prize*!!
*not actually redeemable
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Ipods, garage sales, lady's night gowns - O My!
Things are so delightfully random.
I am thinking about changing my major to pre-med and talked to John Barton today about it. The idea feels so much more exciting, challenging, nerve-wracking, and appropriate than any of my previous majors (what were they all again? teaching, psychology/philosophy, business). We'll see how long this lasts, but I hope it takes.
OMG 4 days till Harry Potter OotP comes out! Yay! I only wish crthny wasn't working her little tail off so we could road trip it to manda in indiana - (fun in rhyming!) - to see it with her and her peeps. Ah, well. We shall just have to figure something else out.
Jeremy and I went to my mom's earlier today and spontaneously decided to go to BedBath&Beyond to get him a new pillow then BestBuy to check on my broken/sent-in-to-get-fixed IPod. After trying out 1,000,000 pillows, Jeremy chose the 2nd one he tried and we were off. We walked into BestBuy (and the dude greeted us half-heartedly - as per usual) and dashed over to the customer area. The geek did some computery type things and then said "they didn't call you about this?" and proceeded to give me the good news that I was eligible to receive a replacement IPod since I had the same problem 4 times with the old one! yay for me! So since the old one had been over $400 (it was way long ago when they first came out in color so it was massively expensive then - my mom, of course, bought it for me then) I was eligible to get the most expensive one available! woohoo! Of course my mom helped to intimidate the supervisor - who was practically stuttering and trembling with fear. We only had to pay for the warranty thingy.
I am pretty far along on my picture endeavor. I'm organizing all the loose, unorganized pictures by year and let me tell you that is harder than you'd think. It's like detective work. I'm all like "when did my dad date that chick" and "what year did we go to disneyland" and "is that disneyland or disneyworld" and "who is that baby picture of? me, steve, or kevin?" and "why is my mom trying to put that hand-made, ladies night gown on that fully grown man who is not my dad in front of a lot of other people with party drinks in their hands?" It's tough work. I'm a quarter of the way through the 90s. FUN!
Jeremy is counting his change. he does that a lot.
We went to a couple of garage sales today. I decided I really like Cape Cod style houses. That's what my mom called them, at least. Really Really pretty and simply and homey and yeah I like 'em.
I am thinking about changing my major to pre-med and talked to John Barton today about it. The idea feels so much more exciting, challenging, nerve-wracking, and appropriate than any of my previous majors (what were they all again? teaching, psychology/philosophy, business). We'll see how long this lasts, but I hope it takes.
OMG 4 days till Harry Potter OotP comes out! Yay! I only wish crthny wasn't working her little tail off so we could road trip it to manda in indiana - (fun in rhyming!) - to see it with her and her peeps. Ah, well. We shall just have to figure something else out.
Jeremy and I went to my mom's earlier today and spontaneously decided to go to BedBath&Beyond to get him a new pillow then BestBuy to check on my broken/sent-in-to-get-fixed IPod. After trying out 1,000,000 pillows, Jeremy chose the 2nd one he tried and we were off. We walked into BestBuy (and the dude greeted us half-heartedly - as per usual) and dashed over to the customer area. The geek did some computery type things and then said "they didn't call you about this?" and proceeded to give me the good news that I was eligible to receive a replacement IPod since I had the same problem 4 times with the old one! yay for me! So since the old one had been over $400 (it was way long ago when they first came out in color so it was massively expensive then - my mom, of course, bought it for me then) I was eligible to get the most expensive one available! woohoo! Of course my mom helped to intimidate the supervisor - who was practically stuttering and trembling with fear. We only had to pay for the warranty thingy.
I am pretty far along on my picture endeavor. I'm organizing all the loose, unorganized pictures by year and let me tell you that is harder than you'd think. It's like detective work. I'm all like "when did my dad date that chick" and "what year did we go to disneyland" and "is that disneyland or disneyworld" and "who is that baby picture of? me, steve, or kevin?" and "why is my mom trying to put that hand-made, ladies night gown on that fully grown man who is not my dad in front of a lot of other people with party drinks in their hands?" It's tough work. I'm a quarter of the way through the 90s. FUN!
Jeremy is counting his change. he does that a lot.
We went to a couple of garage sales today. I decided I really like Cape Cod style houses. That's what my mom called them, at least. Really Really pretty and simply and homey and yeah I like 'em.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Damn church hoppers...
I was trying to start a new blog about attending different churches this summer but every address I tried was taken already: churchhopper.blogspot.com, churchhopping.blogsopt.com, etc.
lame.
Yesterday, jeremy and I finished up our garage sale. My oldest cousin was there with her two kids. They wanted to participate in my sign making so I gave them pieces of paper to draw on, impressing even myself with my management of such young children. The younger one, Arik (6ish), wrote "teh dog." It was cute. We made a bunch of money in all, so that's nice.
Father's day was all fizzy and ploopy. We went to Kensington this morning with my dad, steve, and kevin. The guy was AWESOME. He spoke about the power of a father. I only cried a few times ;) Some things he said reminded me of my dad's relationship with Steve and other things reminded me of his relationship with kevin. He emphasized the importance of a dad to a son but also mentioned the power he has in his daughter's life. I really can't capture his sermon but trust me when I say WOW.
Then Jeremy's dad came over and we had dinner. It was also Jon's birthday but he refused to come over. bleh.
I caught up in questionablecontent today. Yay.
kbye
lame.
Yesterday, jeremy and I finished up our garage sale. My oldest cousin was there with her two kids. They wanted to participate in my sign making so I gave them pieces of paper to draw on, impressing even myself with my management of such young children. The younger one, Arik (6ish), wrote "teh dog." It was cute. We made a bunch of money in all, so that's nice.
Father's day was all fizzy and ploopy. We went to Kensington this morning with my dad, steve, and kevin. The guy was AWESOME. He spoke about the power of a father. I only cried a few times ;) Some things he said reminded me of my dad's relationship with Steve and other things reminded me of his relationship with kevin. He emphasized the importance of a dad to a son but also mentioned the power he has in his daughter's life. I really can't capture his sermon but trust me when I say WOW.
Then Jeremy's dad came over and we had dinner. It was also Jon's birthday but he refused to come over. bleh.
I caught up in questionablecontent today. Yay.
kbye
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Quick Update
-no job yet (probably because I haven't really been applying anywhere)
-playing a lot of Harvest Moon
-watching a lot of Lost and 24
-staying up late... very late
-saw Shrek (which had a song in it that reminded me of manda - Damien Rice's 9 Crimes)
-there was also a song in Lost that reminded me of manda again - Damien Rice's Delicate
-reading books - making jeremy read a page or two to me every now and then ^^
-setting up garage sale for nana and papa
-visited grandma yesterday for lunch - drove with my mom (and jeremy) to go see her old houses which she grew up in - showed mom jeremy's dad's house - showed jeremy my old house (i don't remember it though) - got ice cream
-when i asked her how many kids she recomended having, she said zero... that was sad
-playing a lot of Harvest Moon
-watching a lot of Lost and 24
-staying up late... very late
-saw Shrek (which had a song in it that reminded me of manda - Damien Rice's 9 Crimes)
-there was also a song in Lost that reminded me of manda again - Damien Rice's Delicate
-reading books - making jeremy read a page or two to me every now and then ^^
-setting up garage sale for nana and papa
-visited grandma yesterday for lunch - drove with my mom (and jeremy) to go see her old houses which she grew up in - showed mom jeremy's dad's house - showed jeremy my old house (i don't remember it though) - got ice cream
-when i asked her how many kids she recomended having, she said zero... that was sad
Monday, May 21, 2007
1 comments
(this was supposed to be a comment on Amanda's blog but it got really long...)
If you ask me if I'm upset, I'll sometimes say 'no,' but it is out of something mean. Deep down, I want you to struggle as I do. I want to make things as hard as possible for you because that is how hard they are for me so why should I give you a break? It is a power trip, it is an attempt to control something, it is selfish of me. I'm lying on purpose, for no other reason but to be difficult. Sometimes I do it because you should know how I am already, if you claim to know me. Since you are asking, that just shows you don't try hard enough to know me which probably means you don't care enough so why should I open up to you if you don't like me? But most of the time, if I'm honest, deep, deep, deep down in the darkest parts of my fear I know that you really aren't interested in anything I have to say.
-We should come up with something that is honest but deflects any conversation on the topic-
I challenge you to find one girl, no matter how skinny (if you can find one with a soul - jk....kinda) or fat, who is comfortable with her body the way it is. I challenge you further to find one who has less than 15 things she would change about herself. Indeed it is wicked of us to be so preoccupied with what God has given us (no matter how much we've screwed it up with cakes). I have two arms and two legs that work perfectly. I am not disfigured and I am not unfortunate looking - unlike many, many people - so what the f*ck am I complaining about? What am I depressed about? Why do I spend 90% of my time worrying about my weight? Because I am weak. I am a weak little girl who gives into the temptation of self pity every time. Otherwise I would have to be happy, and who wants that?
-We need to learn to let go of earthly concerns. In the end, God doesn't weigh us. There isn't a weight limit to get into heaven. There isn't a 'pretty' scale. There isn't a group of beautiful people who judge us and decide our fate. Not that that helps us in the short run, I'm just trying to suggest a more long term perspective that will, from time to time, snap us out of self pity temporarily before the demons take back over and drag us down again.-
"Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." -Maya Angelou
"I am a morass - it's a good word. A self-pity. Yes I am. That's how I live. That's how I live from day to day. You'll live and I'll live and you be whatever you are and I'll be whatever I am cos that's the only... do you think I want to be like this? Every day when I wake up I think: today I'll be different, today I'll be happy, today I'll sparkle. Today... By ten o'clock it's gone. I'm dull, I'm dead, I'm me. I can't be different. Oh I can be what you want when I'm with you and I can be what he wants when I'm with him. But I'm not with him and I'm not with you all the time. I'm with me and I know and that's it. I mean that IS IT." -Talking to a Stranger
Doesn't it seem like everyone else fits in with what they do and yet you can never envision yourself seeming that way to anyone else in anything you do? I always wanted to do something. Yet I cannot picture myself doing anything. I cannot imagine how people do it, how they convince the world they are fine, that they fit. I assume some of them feel just as out of place as I do but it doesn't change how isolated I feel sometimes.
-Amanda, you are not unworthy of a job dedicated to helping people. You are going to do many things that affect many people, that is inevitable. It is a result of living. You are lucky to have a focus, a calling. It may not seem like it now, but a lot of people support you and will be there for you no matter how many mistakes or bad decisions (or lack of decisions) you make. Feel safe in that knowledge, at least.-
I like the way you talk. I like the way you choose the words you do. Metaphor time: If conversations were a game of SkiBall, most people choose words that land in the outer rings. They aren't perfect, but they still make the point. You aim for and usually hit the bullseye. You get lots of tickets when you talk.
When I was in Mrs. Turner's class, I was constantly about to explain how I had tried to study (when I really hadn't until a few hours before the test) but didn't do enough or studied the wrong thing or that I'd study more and do better next time. I always needed to explain to her why I wasn't the best student. I never did. I was too ashamed, sure she wouldn't pardon me. I feel that way whenever I like the professor/teacher. I'm probably projecting my own feelings of self-loathing onto them, so sure that they will be disappointed in me when really I'm disappointed in myself... because I know me excuses are crap and I'm just lazy.
-You cannot assume what other people's expectations are for you. Even if you know, you can't let them dictate your own behavior. You have to be honest about what you expect of yourself and live up to those expectations, nothing else. If those coincide with what others want out of you, disregard their approval if you succeed or disappointment when you fail. This is hardest to accomplish when the others are someone you respect and/or love. And, seriously manda, what drugs are you using?- ;)
-Amanda, trust me when I say that I am sure and positive that you will marry a great man and that you will make a great wife for him. You have seen, experienced, learned too much to not be cautious in who you choose to give your heart to. You do not yet know what it is like to completely share your life with someone else so, as someone who has for a bit let me tell you, you quickly learn that standing up for yourself and sacrificing come easy when you are that close to someone. They are natural parts of merging two independent lives together. We all know Amanda has the strangest personality, yes? But it is also a strong personality. You sometimes remind me of the Korean wife (yes, the one from Lost, but also others). She is respectful and dutiful to her husband but also independent, clever, and resourceful. She fools lots of people (people who don't matter) with her quiet disposition but those who know her know how strong she really can be.-
It's scary to think that in a few years, I'll be a mom. But then again, a few years ago I was learning to drive and getting my first cell phone. We change so much over the course of a year that I am comforted to think that I will have learned a lot by the time I become responsible for another life.
-You have nothing to fear. By the time you have a child, your brother and probably your sister will have the thing down to a science (Jeremy has decided that the Webb's are a very fertile group). You will have four adults, including your mother, who would be will to do anything for you. Next time you hold Brayden, look at him and try to let your gut convince you that you would ever not try your best to make your child feel loved, that you would ever stop trying to be the best mother, that you would ever let your ego come before your child. On the surface you know you want to be the best mother in the world. Deep down you have a layer of doubt and fear that tells you that you will never be able to come close, that you will fail your child. But still deeper than that you have your core, your soul, your DNA, whatever it is that makes you YOU. That is what will not allow you to fail.-
Whenever a plane passes overhead, I wonder at how there are hundreds of lives on that plane that is depending on delicate air flow to keep them alive. I also picture the times I've been on a plane and looked out the window and saw the vast array of human existence so far below me, and how insignificant it looked, and what was everybody doing way down there? Don't they know I'm up here looking at them? Aren't they impressed? I wonder if there is someone in that plane flying overhead who is looking down at me doing that too.
I don't see the benefit of impregnating a man.
I hope when a comet does crash on Earth that it will do 2 things - 1: not hurt anyone, 2: prove the existence of aliens.
I worry that the next two presidential candidates will be lousy and shameful to the country and that very few others will realize it (and even few will do anything about it).
I have a butch voice. It isn't exactly manly, but it is no where near feminine. My mom has a womanly voice, all upper throat, clear and crisp. Mine is more lower throat and nose, lazy and ragged sounding, even to my own ears. I have to concentrate in order to get the gruffness out of my voice when I talk. Not to mention my mom's naturally clear and perfect singing voice compared to my scratchy, off tune/tone/key, weak, and undisciplined one.
-Your voice is YOUR voice, it is you. It isn't loud or nasally. It is a bit low but still has a feminine air to it. But more importantly, it isn't important. Try to imagine my voice, or Courtney's. Do you recall anything unfavorable in either? Plus you have a really sweet, cute singing voice.-
-Even if no one gets your jokes, don't lose your sense of humor.-
-You have a lot to offer to a conversation, don't hold back. Don't be hard on yourself, listening is hard work. In my experience, you are an intelligent listener.-
-Let go of regrets, don't be so self conscious, remember the spotlight effect is a real thing.-
-If you don't show people the real you, how can you expect them to like YOU and not the person you are showing them? And if you do manage to feel safe enough to let others in, give them the benefit of the doubt when they continue to hang out with you and assume it is because they like you.-
I swear, kids do not like me. They can see right through my facade and can sense that I'm terrified by their ability to do that. They don't know how to handle being feared so they usually just ignore me. Most of the people my age have different agendas. I tend to be a little too intellectual, as I put it (boring as they put it). And I am much too lazy or unfocused or introverted for most adults. I can put up the appropriate front for any situation, but eventually it is exhausted and the real me comes out.
-You may be the only person in history with your specific personality but that doesn't mean you are the only one who has worried that other's don't like it.-
-Don't confuse laziness with not constantly adhering to what everyone else thinks you should be doing.-
-Selfishness is a sneaky thing but as long as you have constant vigilance, you are not likely to be in danger of the thing.-
-You can't help but to change. You are alive.-
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Big Fat Rain Drops, Fallin on my head
Today I was sitting out on my mom's deck in the sun, reading a novel. The sun was bright and hot. A cloud would provide a moment of cool relief from time to time. I had a big cup of water and Molly and Casey were wondering around, behaving. No one was home and neither was anyone else outside in their yards. It was perfect! It lasted about 2 hours. I got a pretty good tan. Then the time between clouds became shorter and shorter. I noticed the leaves had turned upside down, something my grandma had taught me a long time ago. As Jeremy predicted, rain was coming. I put my book down on the wood railing and looked around the yard for the dogs. None were to be found. I checked inside, there was Molly. I realized too late that I had let Casey run away...again. I slipped my flip-flops on and ran outside, calling her name. I searched for about 15 minutes, and just when the big, fat water drops began to fall, a girl came strolling down the street with the small pup on a leash. I jogged toward her, to shorten her walk, and grabbed Casey. I thanked her before we both turned in opposite directions and ran home. The rain was coming down harder and thicker. I ran around back and dropped Casey onto the grass so I could grab my book and cup on the fly. We both dove inside the house, just as the rain lightened up then stopped completely. Figures :P
(I realize this isn't particularly interesting - sorry, I'll try to pimp my game up later)
(I realize this isn't particularly interesting - sorry, I'll try to pimp my game up later)
Monday, May 07, 2007
Official Beginning of Summer!
Today I was sitting in the student center waiting for Jeremy to do some library business. The room was empty but the tv was blaring loudly (a Star Trek episode, no less) and the fire was on. I tried to turn them off, fiddling with buttons for a minute before giving up. I just sat down on the couch in the corner and opened my computer. Not too long after, Dr. Siegel-Henson and her son came in and started playing ping-pong. It was pretty adorable. She looked very relaxed, dressed in jeans and a light, long sleeved shirt. It was strange to see her out of her "I'm a doctor!" mode. She's a very sweet lady, actually. Then Greg, Nora, and Anesha came in and all sat around me on the other couches. We chatted for a bit before they wondered off again. Also, I saw Joe pushing a large garbage can walk back and forth across the lobby a few times. Then Jeremy came down and we left. It was quite eventful for a couple minute trip.
I've spent the rest of the day putting my thing away. I woke up around 1 (having gone to bed around 5 - "It's 3:30, go back to sleep" I told Jeremy). We got to my dad's house around 3 and I worked my butt off for the next 3.5 hours. We braked and went to Taco Bell for dinner. I dropped Amanda's stuffs off at the Church and we drove back to my dad's. I worked for the next 3 hours, till now, hanging clothes up. I went through a lot of them, picking out the winter ones and the too small ones, since my closet here is smaller than the one in the dorm. There's still a bit left to do but I'm worn out. I'll get to it tomorrow or later tonight. I don't know what to do with my school supplies and stuff.
All day I've felt like I'm supposed to be meeting up with you guys (C & A) or calling to find out what the plan is or what movie we're going to watch. :( Miss you guys! (Jeremy said the same thing.)
Last night Jeremy and I watched Scary Movie 4. It's pretty good, almost as good as 3.
I think you both should go on AIM, it's the easiest way to chat, I think. My sn is cupofshirt if you don't have it already.
Hope you guys are doing well! Say hi to the families! -I realize this is a strange thing and most likely not to be observed, but I do enjoy your families so just thought I'd impart my greetings.
I've spent the rest of the day putting my thing away. I woke up around 1 (having gone to bed around 5 - "It's 3:30, go back to sleep" I told Jeremy). We got to my dad's house around 3 and I worked my butt off for the next 3.5 hours. We braked and went to Taco Bell for dinner. I dropped Amanda's stuffs off at the Church and we drove back to my dad's. I worked for the next 3 hours, till now, hanging clothes up. I went through a lot of them, picking out the winter ones and the too small ones, since my closet here is smaller than the one in the dorm. There's still a bit left to do but I'm worn out. I'll get to it tomorrow or later tonight. I don't know what to do with my school supplies and stuff.
All day I've felt like I'm supposed to be meeting up with you guys (C & A) or calling to find out what the plan is or what movie we're going to watch. :( Miss you guys! (Jeremy said the same thing.)
Last night Jeremy and I watched Scary Movie 4. It's pretty good, almost as good as 3.
I think you both should go on AIM, it's the easiest way to chat, I think. My sn is cupofshirt if you don't have it already.
Hope you guys are doing well! Say hi to the families! -I realize this is a strange thing and most likely not to be observed, but I do enjoy your families so just thought I'd impart my greetings.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Here are some things!
Things-
1. When I go to sleep before Amanda, she usually will take a minute to turn most if not all the lights off and put the Yanni CD on. It is very sweet.
2. Courtney refused to let Jeremy come up to the room, even for just a minute, when I asked her on our way back from Meijer. I really respect that she didn't succumb to peer pressure (especially since I was that peer).
3. Sometimes I feel like the biggest fake.
4. I have recently discovered how much I like Amanda's music. There will always be certain songs or bands that I will associate with this semester and her.
5. Courtney tried on a dress my mom didn't want and it looked incredibly sweet on her. And I wasn't that jealous. For once.
6. I am sitting on my bed looking around my and manda's dorm room and really liking how we have nestled in, making this place fit us for the time being. I realize many, many girls have come before us and many will come after, but for now this space is ours and it is letting us call it home. I don't want to leave next week.
7. Courtney tried to stand up while her feet were soaking in a plastic bowl filled with soapy water mixed from many kinds of soaps. She nearly died. Luckily manda was there to leap to her rescue. phew! ::wipes brow::
8. As much as I tease manda's behaviors, mannerisms, or speech, it is these things that make her entertaining and unique. I'd be sad if they went away.
9. Courtney really does act like she is on camera. It's not a conceded thing, just an entertaining thing. However, I hope it isn't a faked or forced thing. I would like to know the deeper Courtney, too. She's probably pretty cool.
10. In assembly, I have terrible ADD (not really - I'm just incredibly rude and undisciplined). I will distract Jeremy at least 5 times by making him look at this person, or that teacher, or my hands, etc. It entertains me to no end but that probably doesn't make it the best thing to do...
11. I tend to be passive aggressive with my anger. It comes from wanting to stay angry but not wanting to seem like the jerk. It's kinda dumb.
12. I plan on having one huge couch in my family room because I want everyone to sit together. If there is physical separation, I'm worried that person feels apart from the group. They might feel above or below or neutrally apart, but any way it isn't the best thing I think.
13. I don't want to complain about people I like when they do something I don't agree with. I do it anyway.
14. I have had the worst zits these past few weeks and I honestly worry that this is how everyone will remember me this summer. DON'T! I swear, I'm pretty! Just wait till the grossness goes away!
15. I miss my relationship with Kevin. and Steve.
1. When I go to sleep before Amanda, she usually will take a minute to turn most if not all the lights off and put the Yanni CD on. It is very sweet.
2. Courtney refused to let Jeremy come up to the room, even for just a minute, when I asked her on our way back from Meijer. I really respect that she didn't succumb to peer pressure (especially since I was that peer).
3. Sometimes I feel like the biggest fake.
4. I have recently discovered how much I like Amanda's music. There will always be certain songs or bands that I will associate with this semester and her.
5. Courtney tried on a dress my mom didn't want and it looked incredibly sweet on her. And I wasn't that jealous. For once.
6. I am sitting on my bed looking around my and manda's dorm room and really liking how we have nestled in, making this place fit us for the time being. I realize many, many girls have come before us and many will come after, but for now this space is ours and it is letting us call it home. I don't want to leave next week.
7. Courtney tried to stand up while her feet were soaking in a plastic bowl filled with soapy water mixed from many kinds of soaps. She nearly died. Luckily manda was there to leap to her rescue. phew! ::wipes brow::
8. As much as I tease manda's behaviors, mannerisms, or speech, it is these things that make her entertaining and unique. I'd be sad if they went away.
9. Courtney really does act like she is on camera. It's not a conceded thing, just an entertaining thing. However, I hope it isn't a faked or forced thing. I would like to know the deeper Courtney, too. She's probably pretty cool.
10. In assembly, I have terrible ADD (not really - I'm just incredibly rude and undisciplined). I will distract Jeremy at least 5 times by making him look at this person, or that teacher, or my hands, etc. It entertains me to no end but that probably doesn't make it the best thing to do...
11. I tend to be passive aggressive with my anger. It comes from wanting to stay angry but not wanting to seem like the jerk. It's kinda dumb.
12. I plan on having one huge couch in my family room because I want everyone to sit together. If there is physical separation, I'm worried that person feels apart from the group. They might feel above or below or neutrally apart, but any way it isn't the best thing I think.
13. I don't want to complain about people I like when they do something I don't agree with. I do it anyway.
14. I have had the worst zits these past few weeks and I honestly worry that this is how everyone will remember me this summer. DON'T! I swear, I'm pretty! Just wait till the grossness goes away!
15. I miss my relationship with Kevin. and Steve.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Trio part 2: First Contact
Previously in "The Trio" - Through a series of strangely unrelated events, Kelly discovers that her long time Arch Nemesis, Courtney Jenko (aka "the Competition"), and mysterious odd girl Amanda Webb would be her roommates. Kelly braces herself for what promises to be her most spectacular adventure ever...
*NOTE: This story is actually based on actual events. No names have been changed for anonymity.*
Days pass as I allowed this revelation to sink in. I dedicated much thought to my plight during that time. I would be rooming for at least an entire semester with the one girl on campus whom I swore eternal, venomous dislike for as well as her best friend and previous roommate/accomplice. Courtney Jenko and Amanda Webb - Oh, how these names possessed my thoughts both day and night! In attempts to sooth my anxious spirits I chose to take matters into my own hands. Upon doing some undercover investigating and research on the pair, I discovered that these two were hardly ever seen apart; joined at the hip, some even said. Well this will not do at all, I thought. I will be the one splitting them up seeing as I was actually rooming with Amanda while the Nemesis resided dangerously few feet away in the connected suit. I braced myself for the unknown that was to come.
After days of torturous waiting, the moment arrived. I realized it was actually far sooner than I was prepared for: I was to move in with the Nemesis and her accomplice. O, woe to me! I can remember it like it was yesterday...
My dad and I parked in front of Palmer so as to ease the journey to and from the car when unloading. Jeremy accompanied us so as to be another pair of hands to help. At least that was his guise. He was really my reinforcement should the situation turn sour. At this point we were empty-handed though, as we walked into the lobby of AG. There was a table set up for signing in, receiving the key, and paperwork. I blew past that table, wanting to see my room immediately, hoping against hope that I would be the first to arrive. I had received word, however, that since Courtney was the RA, she had moved in weeks ago. My last chance was that the other, Amanda, had yet to arrive. I ignored the girl attempting to give me instructions and as soon as the key was in my hand, I was practically running up the stairs. I left my dad and Jeremy to follow in my wake. I was ever so relieved to open the door to an empty room. I had beaten Amanda to the punch! One small victory to start out this war. The elation was just wearing off when my dad and Jeremy caught up with me. We propped the door open with a chair and opened the window. After a few minutes of talking the nemesis herself sauntered in. She had the audacity to introduce herself politely to me and my crew. The conversation was breathless with nervousness on both our parts, mostly hers though, I'm sure. I made quick work of the chit chat, getting to the point, asking which bunk her accomplice, I mean 'friend' would prefer. The tart assured me Amanda wouldn't have a preference. Then she scampered off, with claims of other people to help. More relief and confidence washed over me, she clearly feared me.
I then set about ordering the men to rearrange the furniture to my liking. When the bunk beds were bunked and placed against the wall just so, I was nearly satisfied. We proceeded to make several trips out to the cars to haul in my many laundry baskets full of personal items and necessities. This load would turn out to be only about half of the things I would ultimately clutter my parts of the room with. I made quick work of claiming the bottom bunk. It was about this time my dad took off to get some items I had forgotten at the house. Jeremy and I continued to unpack for quite some time. I called my dad with a few more items I had remembered I had forgotten. Then, suddenly, there was a shadow in the doorway. Slowly, a figure entered the room. She had clearly been warned of my dominance and beauty by Jenko, as she cautiously introduced herself as Amanda Webb, my roommate.
I, again, forced the chit chat out of my mouth, introducing this timid mouse to Jeremy. I explained how Courtney had insisted it didn't matter which bunk I took and Webb immediately agreed. It was clear she was going to be compliant. Excellent. My plan of outnumbering the enemy was working.
We continued with small talk, where should this go, which side of the desk do you want, which drawers do you want, which side of the closet do you want, gee, that's a strange bathroom, why's there a stall in there. Eventually we agreed on desks, I would take the one on the right by the window. The sun would be in my eyes in the afternoons but I would also get to use the ledge under the window. We would split the middle drawers between the desks and we'd each get half the shelves in the middle. I let her take the top drawers in the dresser and we finagled our fridges into the closet. The dresser actually began in the closet so it took Mine and Jeremy's combined efforts to move it out. It didn't help that one of the legs on the dresser was so wobbly it was likely to snap at any moment. At one point Jeremy opened the top drawer to get a better grip when he cringed in sudden horror. His hand found the drawer not to be empty as he expected. No, indeed that drawer was quite full of Amanda's panties and bras. His embarrassment was quick and controlled but I had seen the look on his face. I prayed and was thankful to see Amanda hadn't noticed the blunder or else an awkward apology might have had to take place. But, no, she was setting up her computer or something with her back turned. One of the first serious questions she asked me was what kind of music I liked. That was such a surprisingly normal question that it caught me off guard. I was prepared for a strange, sheltered comment or question. I recovered and responded that anything was fine. She pressed on, asking if I disliked anything, almost apologetically (I applauded myself for being so intimidating). I assured her I didn't dislike anything actually. She made a "huh" noise and turned some music on. Jeremy and I stared at each other. The noise that came out of the stereo was not the cutesy music we had expected but yelling, loud music. We exchanged glances but said nothing. Later when we were alone, we busted out laughing. Was that Christian music?? What did that girl listen to?
Eventually everything wound down. I still had a lot of unpacking to do but it was getting late and I had to go to a transfer student orientation meeting. My dad and Jeremy joined me for that but when it ended my dad took off and I drove Jeremy home. That was upon his insisting I needed to be alone with Amanda. He was sure his being there had terrified her. I agreed, reluctantly, and went back to my room. This time, I was unarmed. The fields had been leveled and I was about to face that strange girl on my own. My confidence wavered when I also realized I may even have to face Jenko when I got back to the room. That's exactly how the Nemesis would have done it, too. She worked the situation to where she didn't have to face me until I was alone, vulnerable. Now they would team up, either shutting me out or attacking me front on. At least I wasn't going to let them catch me by surprise. I was ready for them.
*NOTE: This story is actually based on actual events. No names have been changed for anonymity.*
Days pass as I allowed this revelation to sink in. I dedicated much thought to my plight during that time. I would be rooming for at least an entire semester with the one girl on campus whom I swore eternal, venomous dislike for as well as her best friend and previous roommate/accomplice. Courtney Jenko and Amanda Webb - Oh, how these names possessed my thoughts both day and night! In attempts to sooth my anxious spirits I chose to take matters into my own hands. Upon doing some undercover investigating and research on the pair, I discovered that these two were hardly ever seen apart; joined at the hip, some even said. Well this will not do at all, I thought. I will be the one splitting them up seeing as I was actually rooming with Amanda while the Nemesis resided dangerously few feet away in the connected suit. I braced myself for the unknown that was to come.
After days of torturous waiting, the moment arrived. I realized it was actually far sooner than I was prepared for: I was to move in with the Nemesis and her accomplice. O, woe to me! I can remember it like it was yesterday...
My dad and I parked in front of Palmer so as to ease the journey to and from the car when unloading. Jeremy accompanied us so as to be another pair of hands to help. At least that was his guise. He was really my reinforcement should the situation turn sour. At this point we were empty-handed though, as we walked into the lobby of AG. There was a table set up for signing in, receiving the key, and paperwork. I blew past that table, wanting to see my room immediately, hoping against hope that I would be the first to arrive. I had received word, however, that since Courtney was the RA, she had moved in weeks ago. My last chance was that the other, Amanda, had yet to arrive. I ignored the girl attempting to give me instructions and as soon as the key was in my hand, I was practically running up the stairs. I left my dad and Jeremy to follow in my wake. I was ever so relieved to open the door to an empty room. I had beaten Amanda to the punch! One small victory to start out this war. The elation was just wearing off when my dad and Jeremy caught up with me. We propped the door open with a chair and opened the window. After a few minutes of talking the nemesis herself sauntered in. She had the audacity to introduce herself politely to me and my crew. The conversation was breathless with nervousness on both our parts, mostly hers though, I'm sure. I made quick work of the chit chat, getting to the point, asking which bunk her accomplice, I mean 'friend' would prefer. The tart assured me Amanda wouldn't have a preference. Then she scampered off, with claims of other people to help. More relief and confidence washed over me, she clearly feared me.
I then set about ordering the men to rearrange the furniture to my liking. When the bunk beds were bunked and placed against the wall just so, I was nearly satisfied. We proceeded to make several trips out to the cars to haul in my many laundry baskets full of personal items and necessities. This load would turn out to be only about half of the things I would ultimately clutter my parts of the room with. I made quick work of claiming the bottom bunk. It was about this time my dad took off to get some items I had forgotten at the house. Jeremy and I continued to unpack for quite some time. I called my dad with a few more items I had remembered I had forgotten. Then, suddenly, there was a shadow in the doorway. Slowly, a figure entered the room. She had clearly been warned of my dominance and beauty by Jenko, as she cautiously introduced herself as Amanda Webb, my roommate.
I, again, forced the chit chat out of my mouth, introducing this timid mouse to Jeremy. I explained how Courtney had insisted it didn't matter which bunk I took and Webb immediately agreed. It was clear she was going to be compliant. Excellent. My plan of outnumbering the enemy was working.
We continued with small talk, where should this go, which side of the desk do you want, which drawers do you want, which side of the closet do you want, gee, that's a strange bathroom, why's there a stall in there. Eventually we agreed on desks, I would take the one on the right by the window. The sun would be in my eyes in the afternoons but I would also get to use the ledge under the window. We would split the middle drawers between the desks and we'd each get half the shelves in the middle. I let her take the top drawers in the dresser and we finagled our fridges into the closet. The dresser actually began in the closet so it took Mine and Jeremy's combined efforts to move it out. It didn't help that one of the legs on the dresser was so wobbly it was likely to snap at any moment. At one point Jeremy opened the top drawer to get a better grip when he cringed in sudden horror. His hand found the drawer not to be empty as he expected. No, indeed that drawer was quite full of Amanda's panties and bras. His embarrassment was quick and controlled but I had seen the look on his face. I prayed and was thankful to see Amanda hadn't noticed the blunder or else an awkward apology might have had to take place. But, no, she was setting up her computer or something with her back turned. One of the first serious questions she asked me was what kind of music I liked. That was such a surprisingly normal question that it caught me off guard. I was prepared for a strange, sheltered comment or question. I recovered and responded that anything was fine. She pressed on, asking if I disliked anything, almost apologetically (I applauded myself for being so intimidating). I assured her I didn't dislike anything actually. She made a "huh" noise and turned some music on. Jeremy and I stared at each other. The noise that came out of the stereo was not the cutesy music we had expected but yelling, loud music. We exchanged glances but said nothing. Later when we were alone, we busted out laughing. Was that Christian music?? What did that girl listen to?
Eventually everything wound down. I still had a lot of unpacking to do but it was getting late and I had to go to a transfer student orientation meeting. My dad and Jeremy joined me for that but when it ended my dad took off and I drove Jeremy home. That was upon his insisting I needed to be alone with Amanda. He was sure his being there had terrified her. I agreed, reluctantly, and went back to my room. This time, I was unarmed. The fields had been leveled and I was about to face that strange girl on my own. My confidence wavered when I also realized I may even have to face Jenko when I got back to the room. That's exactly how the Nemesis would have done it, too. She worked the situation to where she didn't have to face me until I was alone, vulnerable. Now they would team up, either shutting me out or attacking me front on. At least I wasn't going to let them catch me by surprise. I was ready for them.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
A compulsion
over a week ago I had given myself a mini-manicure. I pushed back my cuticles and put the no-bite nail polish on them and put cuticle oil all over them. they grew amazingly fast. they were almost feminine and girly like courthney's. Well, not that long. But they were looking much better. Then last night i had to finish a paper for Dr. Todd's class. I honestly think i spent at least 1/3 of the time biting my nails. I would have an idea or something but would be in the middle of biting my nail so i would wait. it started with just my pinky on my right hand. then that one was gone so i moved on the the middle finger on my right hand. and i had devoured all but one or two fingers and my thumbs before i remembered i had my purse with me and could trim them in attempts to curve the compulsion, which usually stemmed from not being able to stand for the nail being jagged. I now have nubbins again. It's so sad. I think i will have to go to meijer and buy more of that no-bite stuff and keep a bottle everywhere i go. it's so pathetic. I am sitting there thinking "I need to work on this paper" but i cannot bring myself to take my finger out of my mouth. it is actually really scary. To be unable to will myself to stop doing something is terrifying. This has to stop.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Please read kindly - I'm making an attempt to be open
I think I will be very open right now:
- I was mad at Courtney for calling me out on my driving in front of other people. Not mad like "she sucks" but mad like "why would she do that to me?" I realize, now, that is irrational and I'm not even sure I wouldn't have done the same thing. But nevertheless I admit I felt somewhat betrayed. My mind worked on the situation all that night and next morning. I came up with ridiculous motives I'm now pretty ashamed of. Things only got worse at assembly. Jeremy and I walked in and Courtney was in the front row (this was the day of Shane Clayborn). Jeremy made a joke like "I don't want to sit by her" as we moved to the row behind her where there were more seats open in case Amanda decided to join us. I made a poor attempt at testing the waters/lightening the mood by added on "no, I just don't want to sit next to her" pointing at Amanda what'sherface in my anatomy class who was sitting there. We sat and Courtney did not join so I assumed she was mad at me. Halfway through assembly it dawned on my how my comment may have sounded if she hadn't seen my gesture, like I really was pissed and didn't want to sit next to her (Courtney). Feelin the fool, I planned to clarify after assembly but the mad rush dashed that idea. Eventually the tension passed but I still feel badly that it happened. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry.
- Jeremy and I took a walk tonight and talked about you guys a bit. We both feel like as individuals, we each have something to offer the others. Jeremy has his manliness. I have my sarcasm. Amanda has her individuality/stubbornness (I don't think they are mutually exclusive traits). And Courtney has her delusions - I mean fantasies ;). I think Jeremy and I offer a challenge to Courtney and Amanda (especially) to step outside comfort zones. Amanda definitely challenges me to be more humble, gentle, and accepting. Courtney challenges me to be more down to earth, less self-absorbed (by not being that way herself), and creative. I think that we all challenge each other to question our own comfort zones and critique why we have grown to accept them. I hope to never grow so complacent that my comfort zone becomes stagnant. I hope the people I choose to spend my time with would be the type to challenge me in that way. I suppose I'm being a bit arrogant to assume you guys are the same way but I try to do the same for you. I feel like Courtney needs to loosen up a bit when it comes to talking about her feelings - I mean her TRUE, DEEP feelings. I also feel like Amanda needs to let go of inhibitions, routines, and a bit of stubbornness every now and then. I could be coming across very poorly but these are some of my thoughts and I make no claims to be the best at these things.
- When I found out I was not going to be an RA I felt nothing. Once you guys left that night Jeremy and I got in the car and he told me to call Courtney and sign out ("trust me" he said). I did and he just began rambling about how as soon as we got there Courtney said something like "so does she know?" and Jeremy said "what?" and Courtney said how the selected RAs had been emailed that morning and I was not one of them. I think Jeremy said he would be the one to tell me and the rest of the evening I went on being blissfully unaware of what was going on. (To be honest, Jeremy was a bit angry to be given the responsibility of delivering the bad news but personally I appreciate the way that was handled.) He then went on and on and finally hit the punchline when we reached the Avon/Rochester light. Like I said, I felt nothing. I thought it was cute how upset he was for me, I thought it was sweet how Courtney had fretted a bit about how to tell me, I put together some strange behaviors that I had noticed that evening from all three of you, and I felt nothing but warm fuzziness that my friends cared that much about me to put up a charade all night long. I'm of course assuming it was done out of love and not fear of my wrath or any other bad reaction. I'm going to continue with that assumption since the other possibility makes me sad. Anyway, I did eventually cry a bit but the more I thought about it the more I was OK with it. Jeremy and I would not have been able to spend as much time together, especially if I wasn't able to sign out ever. This way the rooming situation doesn't necessarily have to change (depending on my dad). And this way I have more freedom to myself, which lets face it I need in order to play as much Katamari as I plan to ;) But seriously, I am a bit sensitive to the topic still (no one likes going through all that just to be rejected - especially after I made the mistake of being a bit overconfident).
- I get a little possessive about my mom. I love that she is so cool about us going over all the time and that she is eager to cater to us. That is amazing to me. I am still a bit apprehensive since she was never really THAT pleasant to me for this long of time and a part of me fears she is just playing hostess to my friends and gets to be the "cool mom" to you're guys' eyes. Jeremy has pointed out how I can be jealous sometimes. For instance, I've half-joked with Elaine about whether she would rather have one of you two date Jeremy since you guys don't do the whole harsh joking thing with her that I got from Jeremy and Jon. Even when I first started dating Jeremy, I was a bit competitive with Brenda for Elaine's affections, even though she had known Brenda for over 5 years before she met me. So you see that when I see my mom tapping Courtney and beckoning her upstairs to show her some knitting or give her a pair of shoes or whatever, I'm sizing that up as a form of competition. It's pretty ridiculous - trust me, I'm aware. But this new relationship I have with my mom is still fairly raw and I'm struggling to find out where I fit into her life. This is totally my thing, don't worry - I'm aware of that.
- I'm aware I think I know things about you guys but I suppose I should be more open to the possibility that I could be way off. I think I know why Amanda says something or I think I know why Courtney does something but in reality I could be dead wrong. I don't think I am otherwise I wouldn't think it in the first place but I am open to the possibility that I don't know everything (I'm being facetious here). I only ask that if I do presume too much that it is not only corrected but also clarified.
- I was mad at Courtney for calling me out on my driving in front of other people. Not mad like "she sucks" but mad like "why would she do that to me?" I realize, now, that is irrational and I'm not even sure I wouldn't have done the same thing. But nevertheless I admit I felt somewhat betrayed. My mind worked on the situation all that night and next morning. I came up with ridiculous motives I'm now pretty ashamed of. Things only got worse at assembly. Jeremy and I walked in and Courtney was in the front row (this was the day of Shane Clayborn). Jeremy made a joke like "I don't want to sit by her" as we moved to the row behind her where there were more seats open in case Amanda decided to join us. I made a poor attempt at testing the waters/lightening the mood by added on "no, I just don't want to sit next to her" pointing at Amanda what'sherface in my anatomy class who was sitting there. We sat and Courtney did not join so I assumed she was mad at me. Halfway through assembly it dawned on my how my comment may have sounded if she hadn't seen my gesture, like I really was pissed and didn't want to sit next to her (Courtney). Feelin the fool, I planned to clarify after assembly but the mad rush dashed that idea. Eventually the tension passed but I still feel badly that it happened. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry.
- Jeremy and I took a walk tonight and talked about you guys a bit. We both feel like as individuals, we each have something to offer the others. Jeremy has his manliness. I have my sarcasm. Amanda has her individuality/stubbornness (I don't think they are mutually exclusive traits). And Courtney has her delusions - I mean fantasies ;). I think Jeremy and I offer a challenge to Courtney and Amanda (especially) to step outside comfort zones. Amanda definitely challenges me to be more humble, gentle, and accepting. Courtney challenges me to be more down to earth, less self-absorbed (by not being that way herself), and creative. I think that we all challenge each other to question our own comfort zones and critique why we have grown to accept them. I hope to never grow so complacent that my comfort zone becomes stagnant. I hope the people I choose to spend my time with would be the type to challenge me in that way. I suppose I'm being a bit arrogant to assume you guys are the same way but I try to do the same for you. I feel like Courtney needs to loosen up a bit when it comes to talking about her feelings - I mean her TRUE, DEEP feelings. I also feel like Amanda needs to let go of inhibitions, routines, and a bit of stubbornness every now and then. I could be coming across very poorly but these are some of my thoughts and I make no claims to be the best at these things.
- When I found out I was not going to be an RA I felt nothing. Once you guys left that night Jeremy and I got in the car and he told me to call Courtney and sign out ("trust me" he said). I did and he just began rambling about how as soon as we got there Courtney said something like "so does she know?" and Jeremy said "what?" and Courtney said how the selected RAs had been emailed that morning and I was not one of them. I think Jeremy said he would be the one to tell me and the rest of the evening I went on being blissfully unaware of what was going on. (To be honest, Jeremy was a bit angry to be given the responsibility of delivering the bad news but personally I appreciate the way that was handled.) He then went on and on and finally hit the punchline when we reached the Avon/Rochester light. Like I said, I felt nothing. I thought it was cute how upset he was for me, I thought it was sweet how Courtney had fretted a bit about how to tell me, I put together some strange behaviors that I had noticed that evening from all three of you, and I felt nothing but warm fuzziness that my friends cared that much about me to put up a charade all night long. I'm of course assuming it was done out of love and not fear of my wrath or any other bad reaction. I'm going to continue with that assumption since the other possibility makes me sad. Anyway, I did eventually cry a bit but the more I thought about it the more I was OK with it. Jeremy and I would not have been able to spend as much time together, especially if I wasn't able to sign out ever. This way the rooming situation doesn't necessarily have to change (depending on my dad). And this way I have more freedom to myself, which lets face it I need in order to play as much Katamari as I plan to ;) But seriously, I am a bit sensitive to the topic still (no one likes going through all that just to be rejected - especially after I made the mistake of being a bit overconfident).
- I get a little possessive about my mom. I love that she is so cool about us going over all the time and that she is eager to cater to us. That is amazing to me. I am still a bit apprehensive since she was never really THAT pleasant to me for this long of time and a part of me fears she is just playing hostess to my friends and gets to be the "cool mom" to you're guys' eyes. Jeremy has pointed out how I can be jealous sometimes. For instance, I've half-joked with Elaine about whether she would rather have one of you two date Jeremy since you guys don't do the whole harsh joking thing with her that I got from Jeremy and Jon. Even when I first started dating Jeremy, I was a bit competitive with Brenda for Elaine's affections, even though she had known Brenda for over 5 years before she met me. So you see that when I see my mom tapping Courtney and beckoning her upstairs to show her some knitting or give her a pair of shoes or whatever, I'm sizing that up as a form of competition. It's pretty ridiculous - trust me, I'm aware. But this new relationship I have with my mom is still fairly raw and I'm struggling to find out where I fit into her life. This is totally my thing, don't worry - I'm aware of that.
- I'm aware I think I know things about you guys but I suppose I should be more open to the possibility that I could be way off. I think I know why Amanda says something or I think I know why Courtney does something but in reality I could be dead wrong. I don't think I am otherwise I wouldn't think it in the first place but I am open to the possibility that I don't know everything (I'm being facetious here). I only ask that if I do presume too much that it is not only corrected but also clarified.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I it when
I dislike it when I realize I am not as unique as I thought I was.
I love it when my puppies snuggle against me and I can smell their puppy scent.
I enjoy it when I get to develop my theories through conversations with different people.
I hate it when I am unable to "practice what I preach" - when I can't live up to my own proclaimed standards.
I like it when I wake up and sunlight is flooding my room (mostly because it means I've gotten to sleep in)
I appreciate it when someone else admits to insecurities, especially when I share the same ones.
I despise it when I use extremely negative terms like "despise"
I can't stand it when I trick my self into falling asleep.
I love it when my puppies snuggle against me and I can smell their puppy scent.
I enjoy it when I get to develop my theories through conversations with different people.
I hate it when I am unable to "practice what I preach" - when I can't live up to my own proclaimed standards.
I like it when I wake up and sunlight is flooding my room (mostly because it means I've gotten to sleep in)
I appreciate it when someone else admits to insecurities, especially when I share the same ones.
I despise it when I use extremely negative terms like "despise"
I can't stand it when I trick my self into falling asleep.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Everday randomness
I have minor dyslexia that I got from my mom who had it full blown in Elementary School (to the point that she was held back a grade). I keep wanting to spell absorption as absorbtion, problem as proplem. I'll say something like pausage and sessoronie. Equilibrium as Equalibrium
Whenever I have a thought on my mind I wish to talk about with somebody I bring it up by asking them if they ever do "this" or think "this" and is it weird that I do?
I memorized pi to the 24th decimal place (3.141592653589793238462643383279) when I was at work on Tuesday.
I am of the opinion that the most unflattering view of myself comes from my eye level
Whenever I have a thought on my mind I wish to talk about with somebody I bring it up by asking them if they ever do "this" or think "this" and is it weird that I do?
I memorized pi to the 24th decimal place (3.141592653589793238462643383279) when I was at work on Tuesday.
I am of the opinion that the most unflattering view of myself comes from my eye level
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Exposé
1. Thank you, guys, for putting up with my and Jeremy's little argument during cards tonight. We weren't really fighting but we were disagreeing and it might have made everyone else feel awkward and I'm sorry for that.
2. I'm also sorry if I behave foolishly while we play cards. In retrospect I always wonder if I was too abrasive or whatever. I have a strange combination of competitiveness and cooperativeness (if someone needed a card I had and asked for it I would actually give it to them, rules be damned). The competitiveness tends to show much more so, especially when antagonized by Elaine - not that I'm blaming her.
3. I like lists. So what.
4. I think about myself way too much. When looking at a picture of a group of people I'm in I will not give anyone else more than a passing glance and focus on how I look. I obsess about why someone does not like me as though it has everything to do with me. I constantly mourn my own body issues when so many people (in my own life even) have it worse off. Even this blog is catering to a bit of my ego.
5. In theme with #4 - For as long as I have had friends I have always wondered if they give as much time to thoughts or conversations about me as I have about them. I always doubt it, thinking either I'm more considerate or, much more often, that I'm not that interesting of a topic - but that is just because I am me and only know what I think. --Jeremy and I talk about Courtney and Amanda quite a bit :P
6. I envy Amanda's vernacular skills and Courtney's demeanor, among other things. I express this by teasing.
7. Back when my mom and I used to have big fights, before she kicked me out, one of the main themes she harped on was that I was "the most negative person [she's] ever met." I always have this deep fear that it is true and that someday everyone I love will realize it too and leave me.
8. The only reason I gave up TV for Lent was because I was at the Bronx meeting on Ash Wednesday and everyone was talking about what they were giving up and Josh asked me and the only thing I could think of that I hadn't done all day was watch TV so that's what I said I had decided to give up.
9. I have secrets that I tell people either when I've become very close to them or when they have disclosed equally deep secrets to me. I do this to protect myself as well as judge the level of friendship I have developed with someone. Sometimes having big secrets makes me feel ...unique... But deep down I wish I didn't have any MOAS's in my life.
10. I have a frequent worry that when someone is being nice to me they are setting me up. When I first started dating Jeremy I feared he and his ex-girlfriend were actually still together and as he and I got closer and I told him more things he and she were laughing behind my back and planning some elaborate humiliation for me. Sometimes, when I'm leaving his house and I watch him in his doorway as I drive off, I still have a nagging fear that as soon as I turn the corner his secret lover comes in through the back door and they laugh at my ignorance and then make out or something. I had/have the same apprehension concerning Courtney and Amanda, especially in the beginning. I wondered if they were each getting me to share secrets with them individually or together and then laughing at me, mocking me, or even just complaining about me when I wasn't there. Yeah, I'm an insecure little girl a lot of the time.
2. I'm also sorry if I behave foolishly while we play cards. In retrospect I always wonder if I was too abrasive or whatever. I have a strange combination of competitiveness and cooperativeness (if someone needed a card I had and asked for it I would actually give it to them, rules be damned). The competitiveness tends to show much more so, especially when antagonized by Elaine - not that I'm blaming her.
3. I like lists. So what.
4. I think about myself way too much. When looking at a picture of a group of people I'm in I will not give anyone else more than a passing glance and focus on how I look. I obsess about why someone does not like me as though it has everything to do with me. I constantly mourn my own body issues when so many people (in my own life even) have it worse off. Even this blog is catering to a bit of my ego.
5. In theme with #4 - For as long as I have had friends I have always wondered if they give as much time to thoughts or conversations about me as I have about them. I always doubt it, thinking either I'm more considerate or, much more often, that I'm not that interesting of a topic - but that is just because I am me and only know what I think. --Jeremy and I talk about Courtney and Amanda quite a bit :P
6. I envy Amanda's vernacular skills and Courtney's demeanor, among other things. I express this by teasing.
7. Back when my mom and I used to have big fights, before she kicked me out, one of the main themes she harped on was that I was "the most negative person [she's] ever met." I always have this deep fear that it is true and that someday everyone I love will realize it too and leave me.
8. The only reason I gave up TV for Lent was because I was at the Bronx meeting on Ash Wednesday and everyone was talking about what they were giving up and Josh asked me and the only thing I could think of that I hadn't done all day was watch TV so that's what I said I had decided to give up.
9. I have secrets that I tell people either when I've become very close to them or when they have disclosed equally deep secrets to me. I do this to protect myself as well as judge the level of friendship I have developed with someone. Sometimes having big secrets makes me feel ...unique... But deep down I wish I didn't have any MOAS's in my life.
10. I have a frequent worry that when someone is being nice to me they are setting me up. When I first started dating Jeremy I feared he and his ex-girlfriend were actually still together and as he and I got closer and I told him more things he and she were laughing behind my back and planning some elaborate humiliation for me. Sometimes, when I'm leaving his house and I watch him in his doorway as I drive off, I still have a nagging fear that as soon as I turn the corner his secret lover comes in through the back door and they laugh at my ignorance and then make out or something. I had/have the same apprehension concerning Courtney and Amanda, especially in the beginning. I wondered if they were each getting me to share secrets with them individually or together and then laughing at me, mocking me, or even just complaining about me when I wasn't there. Yeah, I'm an insecure little girl a lot of the time.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
What did I do wrong?
It really upsets me when I think someone doesn't like me. I don't know why they don't like me or what I did that annoyed them or what about me that dislike. I feel very inadequate. Even if that person's opinion shouldn't matter. I feel partly like I have been unjustly judged and partly misunderstood and partly worthless.
I wish I knew what I did wrong.
There must be something.
No one hates you for nothing.
I wish I knew what I did wrong.
There must be something.
No one hates you for nothing.
Thoughts and more!
To do List:
Write down memories
Write down dreams
Write Courtney and Amanda letters
(figure out why Courtney comes before Amanda when mentioned in tangent)
(Is Kelly and Jeremy interchangeable to Jeremy and Kelly or is one preferable?)
Update The Order's sequel
Work on our Book
Burn some new CDs
Write down convictions I've developed and review them for errors
These things are of importance to me and tend to be a burden on my brain to keep reminding myself I have to do them. This helps.
______________________________________________
Things I noticed today:
-Gorden MacKinnon refused to sing along in assembly
-I could hear that girl singing in assembly today but could not locate her
-Garrett was asking Joe in the lobby how many of his family members go to this school
-Amanda's new jeans are flattering
-From afar, Tom Golden looked like Charles Blake in his leather jacket and sunglasses
-I think in full sentences most of the time
-Kristin has a new hair cut that makes her unrecognizable from a distance
-I think people I don't know look similar and might even confuse them if they are the same size (weight and shape) while Jeremy looks at face and hair more
-Eric thinks I'm annoying and Josh doesn't know what to think about me
-Sarah ignored me when I said Bonjour to her today
-A girl I went to high school with and was in a play with and who I picked up from her house to go to said play acts like she doesn't know who I am when we pass each other (she the same when I rang her up once at Kohls). I don't like this
-I walked into Carol Van Hooser's class at 915 when her previous class was still in session thinking it was my 925 class I had with her that started early. She didn't miss a beat but still gave me a weird look.
-Courtney is very easy to get along with
Write down memories
Write down dreams
Write Courtney and Amanda letters
(figure out why Courtney comes before Amanda when mentioned in tangent)
(Is Kelly and Jeremy interchangeable to Jeremy and Kelly or is one preferable?)
Update The Order's sequel
Work on our Book
Burn some new CDs
Write down convictions I've developed and review them for errors
These things are of importance to me and tend to be a burden on my brain to keep reminding myself I have to do them. This helps.
______________________________________________
Things I noticed today:
-Gorden MacKinnon refused to sing along in assembly
-I could hear that girl singing in assembly today but could not locate her
-Garrett was asking Joe in the lobby how many of his family members go to this school
-Amanda's new jeans are flattering
-From afar, Tom Golden looked like Charles Blake in his leather jacket and sunglasses
-I think in full sentences most of the time
-Kristin has a new hair cut that makes her unrecognizable from a distance
-I think people I don't know look similar and might even confuse them if they are the same size (weight and shape) while Jeremy looks at face and hair more
-Eric thinks I'm annoying and Josh doesn't know what to think about me
-Sarah ignored me when I said Bonjour to her today
-A girl I went to high school with and was in a play with and who I picked up from her house to go to said play acts like she doesn't know who I am when we pass each other (she the same when I rang her up once at Kohls). I don't like this
-I walked into Carol Van Hooser's class at 915 when her previous class was still in session thinking it was my 925 class I had with her that started early. She didn't miss a beat but still gave me a weird look.
-Courtney is very easy to get along with
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Assets
The following are assets to my life:
41. Sweet Valentine's Day gifts
42. Courtney's concern for Jeremy's efforts
43. Amanda singing softly to herself
44. Elaine playing I'll Take That
45. Brain Age and my Nintendo DS Lite
46. DSI trip postponed!
47. 1 more day to savor my teens
48. Courtney asking if we need to use the bathroom before she showers even though her showers only take 4 minutes
49. sleeping in
50. Letting go of secrets
51. Oh Man Scarlet Red Chewie Crunchy With Extra Cheese
52. Slam poetry - "Gang Mentality" Especially
53. I love Jeremy.
41. Sweet Valentine's Day gifts
42. Courtney's concern for Jeremy's efforts
43. Amanda singing softly to herself
44. Elaine playing I'll Take That
45. Brain Age and my Nintendo DS Lite
46. DSI trip postponed!
47. 1 more day to savor my teens
48. Courtney asking if we need to use the bathroom before she showers even though her showers only take 4 minutes
49. sleeping in
50. Letting go of secrets
51. Oh Man Scarlet Red Chewie Crunchy With Extra Cheese
52. Slam poetry - "Gang Mentality" Especially
53. I love Jeremy.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Movies The Order has seen - (add any more you can remember in comments)
Eastern Philosophy (1, 2, & 3)
The Replacements
Varsity Blues (plus Karleigh)
The Condemned
Eagle vs. Shark
The Hills Have Eyes
When a Stranger Calls
I Am Legend
Return to House on Haunted Hill
House on Haunted Hill
Hatchet
Friday the 13th III
Friday the 13th II
(sans Amanda ^)
Friday the 13th
Grave Dancers (sans Courtney)
Knocked Up (sans Amanda)
The Jacket (sans Amanda)
Silent Hill (sans Amanda)
Lars and the Real Girl
Stigmata
The Sweetest Thing
The Breakup
Clifford
Wicked Little Things
Orange County
Mrs. Winterbourne
The Reaping
French Kiss (sans Jeremy)
Kiss Me Kate (sans Jeremy and Amanda)
Fracture
Jewel of the Nile (sans Amanda)
Romancing the Stone (sans Amanda)
Jane Austen Book Club (sans Amanda)
1408 (sans Amanda)
Under Siege (sans Amanda)
Moulin Rouge (sans Amanda)
Pan's Labyrinth
April Fools Day
Chicago (sans Jeremy and Amanda)
Hocus Pocus
Borat
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Blair Witch Project
-------------------------------------------
The Messengers
Stay (sans Amanda)
Dead Silence (sans Amanda)
See No Evil (sans Amanda)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Jacob's Ladder
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Sound of Music (sans Amanda)
Screwed (sans Amanda)
Land of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead (sans Amanda)
Timeline (sans Amanda)
28 Days Later
Shaun of the Dead
Love Actually (sans Jeremy)
Baseketball (sans Amanda)
Abandon (sans Amanda)
Disturbia (sans Amanda)
The Decent
Nacho Libre (plus Jenkos)
Skeleton Key (plus Jessica)
Red Dragon
Hannibal
Silence of the Lambs
Jesus Camp
Wedding Crashers
Young Frankenstein
The Game
Polar Bear King
Team America: World Police (Derka Derka)
Victor/Victoria
Queen of the Damned (sans Jeremy)
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Shrek 2 (plus many Jenkos)
Night of the Living Dead
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Wicker Man
Garden State
Stir of Echoes
The Fog
Mothman Prophecy
Sleepaway Camp (sans Amanda)
Scream 1, 2, & 3
Scary Movie 3
Airplane!
Practical Magic
Benny and Joon
Fun with Dick and Jane
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (sans Courtney)
Me, Myself, and Irene
Clue
What's Up, Doc?
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
The Shining
Ewok Adventures: The Battle for Endor
Ewok Adventures: Caravan of Courage
Tales From the Crypt: Demon Night (sans Courtney)
others:
Crash (Sans Jeremy)
Donnie Darko (Sans Jeremy and Kelly)
The Replacements
Varsity Blues (plus Karleigh)
The Condemned
Eagle vs. Shark
The Hills Have Eyes
When a Stranger Calls
I Am Legend
Return to House on Haunted Hill
House on Haunted Hill
Hatchet
Friday the 13th III
Friday the 13th II
(sans Amanda ^)
Friday the 13th
Grave Dancers (sans Courtney)
Knocked Up (sans Amanda)
The Jacket (sans Amanda)
Silent Hill (sans Amanda)
Lars and the Real Girl
Stigmata
The Sweetest Thing
The Breakup
Clifford
Wicked Little Things
Orange County
Mrs. Winterbourne
The Reaping
French Kiss (sans Jeremy)
Kiss Me Kate (sans Jeremy and Amanda)
Fracture
Jewel of the Nile (sans Amanda)
Romancing the Stone (sans Amanda)
Jane Austen Book Club (sans Amanda)
1408 (sans Amanda)
Under Siege (sans Amanda)
Moulin Rouge (sans Amanda)
Pan's Labyrinth
April Fools Day
Chicago (sans Jeremy and Amanda)
Hocus Pocus
Borat
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Blair Witch Project
-------------------------------------------
The Messengers
Stay (sans Amanda)
Dead Silence (sans Amanda)
See No Evil (sans Amanda)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Jacob's Ladder
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Sound of Music (sans Amanda)
Screwed (sans Amanda)
Land of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead (sans Amanda)
Timeline (sans Amanda)
28 Days Later
Shaun of the Dead
Love Actually (sans Jeremy)
Baseketball (sans Amanda)
Abandon (sans Amanda)
Disturbia (sans Amanda)
The Decent
Nacho Libre (plus Jenkos)
Skeleton Key (plus Jessica)
Red Dragon
Hannibal
Silence of the Lambs
Jesus Camp
Wedding Crashers
Young Frankenstein
The Game
Polar Bear King
Team America: World Police (Derka Derka)
Victor/Victoria
Queen of the Damned (sans Jeremy)
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Shrek 2 (plus many Jenkos)
Night of the Living Dead
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Wicker Man
Garden State
Stir of Echoes
The Fog
Mothman Prophecy
Sleepaway Camp (sans Amanda)
Scream 1, 2, & 3
Scary Movie 3
Airplane!
Practical Magic
Benny and Joon
Fun with Dick and Jane
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (sans Courtney)
Me, Myself, and Irene
Clue
What's Up, Doc?
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
The Shining
Ewok Adventures: The Battle for Endor
Ewok Adventures: Caravan of Courage
Tales From the Crypt: Demon Night (sans Courtney)
others:
Crash (Sans Jeremy)
Donnie Darko (Sans Jeremy and Kelly)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Courtney doing the sprinkler
So tonight we were consumed with the giggles. Courtney mostly and, giggles being contagious, Amanda and I caught it. It started with Courtney cleaning the bathroom and taking out the garbage which apparently reeked. She then proceeded to spray aerosol air freshener and then ammonia rich shower cleaner in a very unventilated area. I surmise that it was the fumes that did her in. She wasn't the same since. Unable to finish a sentence, or even complete a thought, she succumbed to the giggles. Things only got worse once I, spurred by the need to find a song that came to mind, began searching through all the techno music on my computer. That's when the dancing began. I'll spare you the details (thank me) and just leave it with a few images: Courtney preforming an impromptu interpretive dance to Haddaway's What is Love, Courtney "throwing her hands up in the air," and -perhaps most disturbing of all- Courtney doing the sprinkler ::shudder:: *oh the horror!*
PS - I am working on a sequel to the Trio and it should be done in a week or two!
PS - I am working on a sequel to the Trio and it should be done in a week or two!
Monday, January 22, 2007
More gratitude
I thank God for the following-
21. brand new ice scrapper
22. late night Nutrition hw run to Meijer!
23. clean carpet ("ahhh...")
24. Charles Blake and Dr. Todd's attempts at jokes
25. Girl's night makeovers
26. Movie nights :)
27. Steve's random outbursts
28. Running into old friends and picking right up
29. my (apparently) comfier mattress
30. wooden telephone poles (they are putting up metal poles - I'm watching them during nutrition class)
31. looooooong naps (-.-) "zzz"
32. warm fires (Jeremy's department - not to be confused with Courtney's department: the VCR)
33. nonstop jammin' to New Kids on the Block
34. Patrick Mead's gift to make me want to be a better Christian
35. Josh Grave's faith in me
36. Diaries (or in Courtney's case: Dairies)
37. Fred Jr.'s ways
38. My pretty, new schedule
39. Hosanna... however it's pronounced
40. And I really do like praise and worship days in assembly
21. brand new ice scrapper
22. late night Nutrition hw run to Meijer!
23. clean carpet ("ahhh...")
24. Charles Blake and Dr. Todd's attempts at jokes
25. Girl's night makeovers
26. Movie nights :)
27. Steve's random outbursts
28. Running into old friends and picking right up
29. my (apparently) comfier mattress
30. wooden telephone poles (they are putting up metal poles - I'm watching them during nutrition class)
31. looooooong naps (-.-) "zzz"
32. warm fires (Jeremy's department - not to be confused with Courtney's department: the VCR)
33. nonstop jammin' to New Kids on the Block
34. Patrick Mead's gift to make me want to be a better Christian
35. Josh Grave's faith in me
36. Diaries (or in Courtney's case: Dairies)
37. Fred Jr.'s ways
38. My pretty, new schedule
39. Hosanna... however it's pronounced
40. And I really do like praise and worship days in assembly
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