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(this was supposed to be a comment on Amanda's blog but it got really long...)

If you ask me if I'm upset, I'll sometimes say 'no,' but it is out of something mean. Deep down, I want you to struggle as I do. I want to make things as hard as possible for you because that is how hard they are for me so why should I give you a break? It is a power trip, it is an attempt to control something, it is selfish of me. I'm lying on purpose, for no other reason but to be difficult. Sometimes I do it because you should know how I am already, if you claim to know me. Since you are asking, that just shows you don't try hard enough to know me which probably means you don't care enough so why should I open up to you if you don't like me? But most of the time, if I'm honest, deep, deep, deep down in the darkest parts of my fear I know that you really aren't interested in anything I have to say.
-We should come up with something that is honest but deflects any conversation on the topic-

I challenge you to find one girl, no matter how skinny (if you can find one with a soul - jk....kinda) or fat, who is comfortable with her body the way it is. I challenge you further to find one who has less than 15 things she would change about herself. Indeed it is wicked of us to be so preoccupied with what God has given us (no matter how much we've screwed it up with cakes). I have two arms and two legs that work perfectly. I am not disfigured and I am not unfortunate looking - unlike many, many people - so what the f*ck am I complaining about? What am I depressed about? Why do I spend 90% of my time worrying about my weight? Because I am weak. I am a weak little girl who gives into the temptation of self pity every time. Otherwise I would have to be happy, and who wants that?
-We need to learn to let go of earthly concerns. In the end, God doesn't weigh us. There isn't a weight limit to get into heaven. There isn't a 'pretty' scale. There isn't a group of beautiful people who judge us and decide our fate. Not that that helps us in the short run, I'm just trying to suggest a more long term perspective that will, from time to time, snap us out of self pity temporarily before the demons take back over and drag us down again.-
"Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." -Maya Angelou
"I am a morass - it's a good word. A self-pity. Yes I am. That's how I live. That's how I live from day to day. You'll live and I'll live and you be whatever you are and I'll be whatever I am cos that's the only... do you think I want to be like this? Every day when I wake up I think: today I'll be different, today I'll be happy, today I'll sparkle. Today... By ten o'clock it's gone. I'm dull, I'm dead, I'm me. I can't be different. Oh I can be what you want when I'm with you and I can be what he wants when I'm with him. But I'm not with him and I'm not with you all the time. I'm with me and I know and that's it. I mean that IS IT." -Talking to a Stranger

Doesn't it seem like everyone else fits in with what they do and yet you can never envision yourself seeming that way to anyone else in anything you do? I always wanted to do something. Yet I cannot picture myself doing anything. I cannot imagine how people do it, how they convince the world they are fine, that they fit. I assume some of them feel just as out of place as I do but it doesn't change how isolated I feel sometimes.
-Amanda, you are not unworthy of a job dedicated to helping people. You are going to do many things that affect many people, that is inevitable. It is a result of living. You are lucky to have a focus, a calling. It may not seem like it now, but a lot of people support you and will be there for you no matter how many mistakes or bad decisions (or lack of decisions) you make. Feel safe in that knowledge, at least.-

I like the way you talk. I like the way you choose the words you do. Metaphor time: If conversations were a game of SkiBall, most people choose words that land in the outer rings. They aren't perfect, but they still make the point. You aim for and usually hit the bullseye. You get lots of tickets when you talk.
When I was in Mrs. Turner's class, I was constantly about to explain how I had tried to study (when I really hadn't until a few hours before the test) but didn't do enough or studied the wrong thing or that I'd study more and do better next time. I always needed to explain to her why I wasn't the best student. I never did. I was too ashamed, sure she wouldn't pardon me. I feel that way whenever I like the professor/teacher. I'm probably projecting my own feelings of self-loathing onto them, so sure that they will be disappointed in me when really I'm disappointed in myself... because I know me excuses are crap and I'm just lazy.
-You cannot assume what other people's expectations are for you. Even if you know, you can't let them dictate your own behavior. You have to be honest about what you expect of yourself and live up to those expectations, nothing else. If those coincide with what others want out of you, disregard their approval if you succeed or disappointment when you fail. This is hardest to accomplish when the others are someone you respect and/or love. And, seriously manda, what drugs are you using?- ;)

-Amanda, trust me when I say that I am sure and positive that you will marry a great man and that you will make a great wife for him. You have seen, experienced, learned too much to not be cautious in who you choose to give your heart to. You do not yet know what it is like to completely share your life with someone else so, as someone who has for a bit let me tell you, you quickly learn that standing up for yourself and sacrificing come easy when you are that close to someone. They are natural parts of merging two independent lives together. We all know Amanda has the strangest personality, yes? But it is also a strong personality. You sometimes remind me of the Korean wife (yes, the one from Lost, but also others). She is respectful and dutiful to her husband but also independent, clever, and resourceful. She fools lots of people (people who don't matter) with her quiet disposition but those who know her know how strong she really can be.-

It's scary to think that in a few years, I'll be a mom. But then again, a few years ago I was learning to drive and getting my first cell phone. We change so much over the course of a year that I am comforted to think that I will have learned a lot by the time I become responsible for another life.
-You have nothing to fear. By the time you have a child, your brother and probably your sister will have the thing down to a science (Jeremy has decided that the Webb's are a very fertile group). You will have four adults, including your mother, who would be will to do anything for you. Next time you hold Brayden, look at him and try to let your gut convince you that you would ever not try your best to make your child feel loved, that you would ever stop trying to be the best mother, that you would ever let your ego come before your child. On the surface you know you want to be the best mother in the world. Deep down you have a layer of doubt and fear that tells you that you will never be able to come close, that you will fail your child. But still deeper than that you have your core, your soul, your DNA, whatever it is that makes you YOU. That is what will not allow you to fail.-

Whenever a plane passes overhead, I wonder at how there are hundreds of lives on that plane that is depending on delicate air flow to keep them alive. I also picture the times I've been on a plane and looked out the window and saw the vast array of human existence so far below me, and how insignificant it looked, and what was everybody doing way down there? Don't they know I'm up here looking at them? Aren't they impressed? I wonder if there is someone in that plane flying overhead who is looking down at me doing that too.
I don't see the benefit of impregnating a man.
I hope when a comet does crash on Earth that it will do 2 things - 1: not hurt anyone, 2: prove the existence of aliens.
I worry that the next two presidential candidates will be lousy and shameful to the country and that very few others will realize it (and even few will do anything about it).

I have a butch voice. It isn't exactly manly, but it is no where near feminine. My mom has a womanly voice, all upper throat, clear and crisp. Mine is more lower throat and nose, lazy and ragged sounding, even to my own ears. I have to concentrate in order to get the gruffness out of my voice when I talk. Not to mention my mom's naturally clear and perfect singing voice compared to my scratchy, off tune/tone/key, weak, and undisciplined one.
-Your voice is YOUR voice, it is you. It isn't loud or nasally. It is a bit low but still has a feminine air to it. But more importantly, it isn't important. Try to imagine my voice, or Courtney's. Do you recall anything unfavorable in either? Plus you have a really sweet, cute singing voice.-
-Even if no one gets your jokes, don't lose your sense of humor.-
-You have a lot to offer to a conversation, don't hold back. Don't be hard on yourself, listening is hard work. In my experience, you are an intelligent listener.-
-Let go of regrets, don't be so self conscious, remember the spotlight effect is a real thing.-
-If you don't show people the real you, how can you expect them to like YOU and not the person you are showing them? And if you do manage to feel safe enough to let others in, give them the benefit of the doubt when they continue to hang out with you and assume it is because they like you.-

I swear, kids do not like me. They can see right through my facade and can sense that I'm terrified by their ability to do that. They don't know how to handle being feared so they usually just ignore me. Most of the people my age have different agendas. I tend to be a little too intellectual, as I put it (boring as they put it). And I am much too lazy or unfocused or introverted for most adults. I can put up the appropriate front for any situation, but eventually it is exhausted and the real me comes out.

-You may be the only person in history with your specific personality but that doesn't mean you are the only one who has worried that other's don't like it.-
-Don't confuse laziness with not constantly adhering to what everyone else thinks you should be doing.-
-Selfishness is a sneaky thing but as long as you have constant vigilance, you are not likely to be in danger of the thing.-
-You can't help but to change. You are alive.-